The future of My Mama Mojo

I have been quiet..very very quiet.  I am a true introvert and tend to hibernate when I'm upset, going through major life changes or contemplating an important decision.  

During this hibernation-it was all three.  

You see, when I first started My Mama Mojo over 3 years ago I had a fire under my butt and pure passion in my heart.  I was bound and determined to create a new way of thinking for moms, a place for them to vent, get support and walk away with new empowering perspectives.   I was going to have phone clients from all over the world, run tons of local workshops and get into large corporations to help facilitate better work life balance strategies for moms through their EAP and HR teams.  

I had grandiose plans alright. 

Well... all of this happened, but on a MUCH smaller scale than what I had envisioned.  I did everything I knew to do to get this business going- even to a fault, and it just didn't happen. I thought this coaching business was going supply me with enough money that I could slide out of school counseling and become a full-time life and wellness coach- specializing in the Mamas overall well being and empowerment.  I have come to terms that it just isn't going to happen...

...or at least not the way I had initially thought.

At the same time I started to let go of my dream business coming to fruition, my part-time school counseling position unexpectedly went full time.  I was faced with the decision to hang on to the coaching that wasn't working out so well (and change schools, again) or accept the full time job and  get out of debt.  

I choose responsibility.  

I really do enjoy school counseling, and am especially fond of my current school, but hadn't planned to go back full time.  The decision has rocked my family, my coaching plans and my future. Although as I write this I fully embrace these changes (except now I have to wake up at 5:15 to get to the gym-not loving that!)  

In my heart, closing shop on My Mama Mojo just isn't an option.  

One of my greatest joys is when a new client finds me and breaths a sigh of relief that they aren't the only one out there struggling, and that they have found a safe (and fun) place to get support.  It is in these moments and during the coaching process, that I feel as though I have found my calling.  So... I can't let go of coaching completely and will still have a few evening coaching sessions available each week. I do however have to give up the newsletters, the active Facebook page, free talks and workshops for Mom's Groups and any time consuming advertising. This is my compromise.

 I just won't have the time because...

In addition to going back to work full time and having a little coaching on the side...big drum roll please.....I am going back to school!  I have taken 1 of the 3 classes I need to get my counseling license for private practice in Maryland.  Even though I have a MEd in counseling, I am not a licensed clinical counselor (yet). After the two remaining classes, I will have to sit for 2 exams and get 100 hours of supervision-then I can take insurance from clients! 

I have learned through this three year (highly emotional) process that I absolutely LOVE working with moms who are struggling in some area of their life. Whether that struggle is maternal guilt, marital difficulty, not enjoying motherhood, stress, lack of self-care, home organization, fitness, discipline issues, lack of job fulfilment, empty-nesters or they have completely lost themselves to motherhood (like I did)...I am here to help.  I truly believe my absolutely miserable several years of early motherhood was to prepare me for this very job.  It is what I am meant to do.

Happy moms make happy families and this is the basis and vision for what I do.  

And-I have always enjoyed working with youth in families as a school counselor for the past 15 years. So if I put my "two loves" together, I see my future counseling practice as working with youth, families, couples counseling (particularly adjusting to parenthood) -with a specialty in Postpartum Depression and anxiety.  It will be a slow process since I am working full time now (and oh yeah...I still have two young kids), but I hope to be completely done in 2 1/2 years.  

And did I mention...I can then accept insurance!!!!? Yippy!!!

So there it is...

• I'm going back to work full-time as a school counselor
• My Mama Mojo will exist on a very small scale with a few evening appointments
• I'm going back to school so I can start a private practice (and accept insurance)!

Hibernation always works for me!

With love and gratitude to my newsletter subscribers, blog readers, FB  peeps, and most of all the many  amazing and inspirational clients I have met along the way.  You know where to find me if you need some some hand holding, a kick in the butt or someone to help untangle your destructive thoughts and routines.


xo
Heather

Yup, "they" were right!

I was never one to get emotional at my kids' milestones.  When breast feeding was complete I felt liberated, when my kids started walking, I was happy for their independence (and my aching back) and I remember at my first child's first birthday party my husband and I high fived each other in celebration that we survived-both the baby and our marriage!  When other parents were welting up at the bus stop as their 5 year olds boarded the bus to go off to elementary school, I was all smiles at the thought of what we had done in preparation for our kids to fly from the nest (and the joy of no more day care payments).  I love my kids, but I was not sentimental about letting each of the early stages go becuase these times were quite emotionally challenging for me!

My husband and I both knew we would love having older kids, but the baby/toddler stage just wasn't our thing.  I remember rushing through each milestone doing mental checks in my head knowing we were that much closer to having elementary age school children. I have never cued at a baby or had even a fleeting thought of having another child once I knew our family was complete in 2006.  I have looked back from time to time, not wishing to do it over again -because for me the experience was really quite hard. But I have wished that  I knew then what I know now...

All those annoying people who made it a point to tell me to enjoy it now becuase it goes so fast-were right! 

It was like the universe was amplifying these sentiments to me yesterday.  I was  paying keen  attention to the young families around me.  I'm sure I am surrounded by similar experiences all the time, but for some reason I was really attuned to moms and young kids during my daily errands. I saw a mom mouthing the words to 'Wheels on the Bus' as she drove along in her hot mama mini van in attempt to calm crying baby,  I chucked as I witnessed a 3 year old potty catastrophe in the gym locker room, and I felt for the mom who was dealing with a two year old twins tearing everything off the shelf at the grocery store while she was attempting to fill her cart.  All three of these women were taking these situations in stride-each with grace and/or humor.  These are the very things that used to send me over the edge when I was living it.  I would correct the situation as quickly as I could and hope for time to hurry up and get here so I could have older and more independent kids.  These are the very moments I now remember fondly as I look at other families in the trenches-but I didn't enjoy it AT ALL while I was there.

I wished I would have slowed down, had a laugh and enjoyed the moment for what it was.

I can't turn back the hands of time, and I won't tell you to "enjoy every moment" becuase that is soooo unrealistic-but I can take these lessons and experiences and apply them to today.  Yes, these little monsters are demanding, frustrating and all consuming-but they are also so damn cute for such a short period of time.  I hope if you are anything like I was, or just in a frustrated space right now, that this post will encourage you to slow down, enjoy most of the moments (even the difficult ones) and to have few regrets when your kids are older and don't depend on you so much.

And for me...I will keep these thoughts with me when I am reading my 6 year old son the same Star Wars book for the 162nd time, I step on a lego in the middle of the night, when both kids come home from school and explode their  shoes, back packs and half eaten lunches all over my house, or my 8 year old daughter is bargaining for just 2 more minutes of a back tickle when I just want her to go to sleep already!  I will remember that these experience will soon be a fond memory, so I will stay in the moment and enjoy! But most importantly, I won't wait for these experiences to be memories before I enjoy them.  I will appreciate them today.  In turn, I may be the one balling my eyes out at the 5th grade graduation ceramony in just a few short years!

 When these times are gone,  I will long for the days my kids wanted me around!

To tell or not to tell...

These last several days have been emotional for all of us.  It has been an extra stessor if your kids are elementary school age.  The worry and fret over what to tell them (if anything ) was weighing heavily on almost every parent I know.  This is a deeply personal decision and often based on your own child and their needs.  

I work as a counselor in an elementary school and have spent the last few days combing through "expert advice" and reflecting on my own personal experience in dealing with kids and crisis. Upon returning to school yesterday and fully braced with all of my "counselor tools" the only trend I saw of  the kids who were most traumatized were those who watched the news without much parental involvement or processing. If children knew, were comforted and had their questions answered-they were fine.  And for the most part, the ones who were sheltered remained that way.  No matter what you decided to do-shield completely, share a little or give details, the important aspect is that you are there for them, that you remain calm, comforting and are keeping your normal routines. 

I found a lot of valuable insight from my searching and reading, but this was the best article I have found on what to say/not say to your kids as well as how to teach self-talk and self regulation in times of stress.

I am thinking of all the parents who lost their children, although I still can't wrap my brain around it. I am thinking of mothers who were touched so deeply from this event because they have young troubled children of their own. I am thinking of mothers whose children have Aspergers and are feeling like they now have to defend their children from finger pointing and ignorance of the disability.  And I am thinking of all of you- and how this affects you personally-as I know we have all been deeply touched.

I am wishing that ALL MOTHERS will find some comfort and peace among this unthinkable tragedy.

Are you feeling a little crazy?

Tis the season...to feel crazy!  And out of balance, stressed and overwhelmed.  I have had almost all of my regular clients cancel their sessions in the last two weeks because the just can't manage one more thing to do (talk to me)!  If you are feeling like you are losing your mind right about now, you are not alone.  But, you can feel more in control.

This post will be short and sweet-I know you have a lot to do.

Out of town guests, shopping, wrapping, travel preparations, decorating, cleaning, entertaining, partying...partying and more partying.  Then we are trying to manage our sleep deprived-hyped up on sugar kids (and selves) from all the partying and late nights.  This-all on top of cold and flu season and work deadlines to crank out before the New Year.  Sound familiar?

Yikes!

Women are so damn hard on themselves.  Instead of enjoying the holiday season it is like a sprint to the finish-and instead of looking back fondly at the experience, we collapse.  We don't enjoy or even think about what the season means to us-we just go, go, go.  Do more, more, more.  Repeat. But the kicker is- in this process not only do we feel frazzled, but we get upset with ourselves for not feeling in control or fear we are going backwards in any progress that we have made to be organized, healthy and peaceful.

This is simply not true!

No matter how much progress you have made in whatever area of your life you are focused on right now-you are not going backwards.  The holidays are chaotic, that is why there are so many movies, cards and commercials making fun of what we do to ourselves during the months of November and December.  Some of this extra "stuff" is within your control, but some of it is not.

The best thing you can do right now is focus on eliminating stuff on the list that you really don't want to do (as I talk about here in a post from last year).  As well as give yourself permission to let go a little for the next couple of weeks with the things you can't control.  Be gentle with yourself.  You will get back on track after all the visitors have gone, the decorations are back in their bins and your cookies have all been eaten.  Mark it on your calender now-January 1, 2013-and pick up where you left your goals-along with the rest of the world.

I wish you lots of deep breaths,  a sense of humor and tons of love and warmth with those you care most about.

Happy Holidays Mamas from my family to yours!!!

Soccer season is O.V.E.R.

Can I tell you how darn happy I am to have my Saturdays and evenings back?  2 kids, 2 evening practices and 2 games on Saturdays...yup O.V.E.R.!  And did I mention, my husband coaches both teams?  I do enjoy watching them play (aside from my daughter's double header in the 42 degrees and hurricane scale gusts of wind).  But, I do NOT enjoy the time commitment.  I do NOT enjoy the nagging to find the game shirt, or to get the shin guards and cleats on.  And I NEVER enjoy rushing around from practice to practice-game to game. I could never be an Olympic mom-I can barely hang on to "soccer mom" status.

However, I know many families with multiple kids, and each kid has several activities-and it works for them.  These kids are entertained,  happy and thriving.  The parents enjoy participating and watching their kids learn and perform. The family is a well oiled machine of who needs to be where and when and which parent is going with what child for each day of the week.

I just can't be this mom.

My kids are not these kids.

My kids like the idea of most things, but do not yet have the passion and drive to carry out a season or an 8 week class of any sorts. It ends up being me who is nagging them to get ready and go.  They poke and whine about how they don't want to stop what they are doing.  I have questioned my sanity many times after paying hundreds of dollars for an activity only to drag my kids out to the car- crying that they don't want to go.  If given the choice they will always pick staying at home vs going to any organized activity.

And I have to admit, not much of it appeals to me either...rushing through homework, scrambling to get ready, eating in the car, and being a slave to my kids' schedules.  I love the evenings when we have nothing going on.  I take great joy in watching my kids run outside, play with the neighbors, cuddle with their dogs, build Legos or pretend they're in a rock band.  I like giving them the choice to help me cook dinner, being able to go for a long walk and doing homework at a normal speed instead of setting a timer.  The pace of having nothing to do other than enjoy each others' company feels really peaceful to me (unless they are bored and fighting of course)!

On the flip side, I do appreciate what sports, music lessons and the arts do for kids.  They increase self-esteem, teach self discipline and develop positive social skills.  Studies have proven that sports and music actually improve kids' performance in school.  So I get it, there are certainly benefits! For each family and each kid within a family- the magic number and type of activity is varied based on how well they manage time (homework, chores, etc) interest in the activity, and amount of down time that is needed.

We all need to find our happy balance within our family unit-whether that is no activity or something everyday of the week.

It is a good thing my husband is motivated about getting our kids involved.  It is he who encourages our kids to get try new things and takes the lead on organizing our activity schedule.  For our family, our deal is that each child must participate in one, but no more than two activities. Soccer is over, but this week starts music lessons....wish me luck!  If it was left up to me, all winter I would sit in front of the fire and play board games or build snowmen in our yard!

How do you create a balance that works for everyone in your home?

What do you NEED when things get rough?

So, this is my life right now.  The meds on the left are my son's and the meds on the right are my puppy's.  I believe I have earned an honorary medical degree for the amount of meds I have learned about and dispensed in the last 6 weeks.  My son has struggled with a sinus infection, bronchitis and on-going asthma.  My puppy has had three ear infections, a skin infection, a respiratory infection and sniffed a small lego which caused yellow snot to come out of his nose for 3 weeks straight.  And oh ...he just got neutered on Monday and a day later I called the vet to ask her if by chance she forgot to take one of his balls off because there it was...hanging there.  Apparently, she didn't  forget a testicle, but what we described was his scrotum filling up with blood.  So he's on watch until it gets absorbed into his body. Good times!

School has been missed, clients have been cancelled, I've been on the phone with doctors and insurance companies for up to 90 minutes at a time... and the work has piled up.  But perhaps most potentially crushing to my spirits and well being (besides watching them suffer of course) is the disrupted sleep I have encountered over the last several weeks tending to my sick child and puppy.

For me, sleep is one of my top priorities.  Without it I am unkind.

We all have that one thing we need when life gets hard that we need to keep us going. I've heard some people say they need their environment to be orderly to feel more in control, so they clean.  In times of stress one of my best friends always throws a party.  She loves being surrounded by friends and family.  Many of my clients ramp up the exercise to decrease their stress level.  Me?  Definitely sleep.  I don't care if I eat chips for dinner, don't exercise or have 51 loads of laundry.  As long as I have adequate sleep I can deal with the crisis at hand and still be pleasant about it.

During this current crisis I have eaten complete junk, exercised today for the first time in weeks and nobody in my house has a clean pair of underwear.  But I am sleeping as much as I possibly can.  I am still being kind and a good care taker to those who need me.  I am calm and balanced and know I can get through this with grace and humor.

How about you? What is your thing?  What do you need to do in order to get though difficult time..and still be kind, balanced and calm?

Are my expectations too high? What I learned about motherhood from my dog trainer!

"This is a great dog!"  Said the dog trainer I hired to save my sanity from my hyperactive, barking and destructive 7 month old Labradoodle.  "He is so calm and loving...and so trainable."  You really lucked out."

Uhhh...really? Are we talking about the same dog?  The one who barks incessantly? The one who drinks out of the toilet bowl? The one who body slams the front door when I go to get the mail? The one who eats my underwear, chews my kids' toys, and unravels every toilet paper roll in the house?  The one who destroyed my screened in porch in a matter of exactly 12 minutes?  The one who needs put under next week to get his nose scoped because we believe he snorted a lego? That dog?

Yes, he is one and the same. "He is just a puppy,"  She tells me.  Right, I forgot.

And then it struck me, people say the same thing about my kids.  Well, not the calm, loving and trainable part...but that they are great kids.  I often have the same reaction-Are you talking about MY kids?  I have the same conversation with my husband about 8 times a year.  It usually goes something like this:

Me: Are other kids this difficult?
Him:  Yes
Me: Do other parents struggle as much as us?
Him: Yes
Me: Our kids are so damn hard!
Him: Yes, they are strong willed kids.
Me: Are we doing something wrong?
Him: No, they are kids.  You expect too much.  You work in a school, you should know what is normal kid behavior is.
Me:  Pissed off that he didn't agree with me and walk away. He's right, I should know better.

But...when you are a mom and you have emotions tied to your own kids, AND they aren't behaving the way you want them to, these are normal questions.  I often have to remind myself that all kids say "no," ignore their parents, don't listen the first time, fight with their siblings, have meltdowns, need reminders to calm down, be quiet and have manners.  Few of them like baths, bedtimes or getting ready in the morning.  I never met a kid who behaved all of the time. They are all a pain in the ass-sometimes. That is why they call them kids, not adults. Come to think of it most adults I know need similar reminders from time to time too!  

So yes, I've decided that my expectations are too high.  That my kids behave like kids.  Yes, they ARE great kids, but they also can be a pain in the ass.  Just like every other kid I know!

The Gift of Alone Time

I sit here on the eve of my husband and children returning from a 3 day trip to NJ to visit his sister.  I love his sister and her family dearly, but this trip I opted out of to be completely ALONE.  About a month ago I took the kids for several days to Pittsburgh to visit my parents while my husband stayed back. He said it was the best gift he had ever received, so he is now "gifting" me.

It is the first time in 7 1/2 years I have had the house to myself for more than a few hours.

I thought about these three days with great anticipation.  People would ask me what I was going to do with my time...was I going to go out with friends?  Starting a project?  Whoop it up?  Nope, none of the above, I planned on doing nothing productive, seeing no one and talking as minimally as possible.

And that's what I did.

I  wandered aimlessly down my favorite store isles without a list or an agenda.  I bought myself some new clothes and shoes instead of buying stuff for my kids. I took my dogs on two long walks each day.  I jogged without a care, a timed route or something to run back to. I prepared and ate my meals at super slow speed.  I took long hot showers without someone yelling for me.  I hogged the bed, the covers and all of the pillows.  I stayed up until 11:30 (gasp) watching a chick flick. I stayed in bed one morning until 9:00.  I didn't pick up after or correct anyone. I ate all healthy foods from my favorite organic market-and only used one dish, one utensil and one glass.  I rarely looked at the time. I didn't call anyone or answer my phone- and the only creatures I spoke to for more than a moment were my dogs.

It was total bliss!

What struck me about the last three days is how grounded and connected I feel now.  I have been neglecting my alone time-which was once such an important part of me.  Not everyone would have opted for three days of solitude.  Many would have made elaborate and exciting plans to keep themselves busy every moment.  And maybe that's what is calling you, but not me! I am a true introvert, as I get depleted by people (including my family) and need alone time to recharge.  I've always known this about myself and used to be (pre-children) much better at it. I just need to figure out how to incorporate this frequent decompression into my life instead of waiting another 7 1/2 years to get it!

What about you?  When was the last time you had extended time to do what you wanted to do?

Beep beep Mama's got a new Jeep!

I've done it!  I've traded in my Hot Mama Mini Van for my dream car, a Jeep Wrangler!  I have wanted this Jeep since I was 16 (or maybe earlier).  I wanted this Jeep during my 20s and when I was 30 I could finally afford it.  When I told my husband at age 30 that it was time for my Jeep, he responded with, "don't you think we should get something more practical?  What if we start a family soon?"   I acquiesced and bought a Honda Accord.  Now I am approaching 40, two kids, several cars (and a mini van) later, the time has come!  I have my JEEP and I love it!  I love how free I feel as I'm driving topless (the roof that is) with the music blasting.  I love what being a Jeep driver stands for (freedom and adventure).

But most of all... I feel like yet again another layer of being confined by the needs of young children was released.

Some of us allow the confines and restrictions of early parenting to affect us more than others.  I was one to always feel bogged down by bottles, baby equipment, diapers, strollers, time schedules and the like.  With each passing phase I would celebrate.  The celebration was because my load was lightening, but each high maintenance phase gives way to more room for YOU.  It is hard to think and get around with small kids and all they require.  This mental and physical energy takes a toll and we often use more than we have making us feel exhausted.  This is when we start to neglect and put off our own needs and wishes.

I remember several years ago seeing a mother at the pool lying on a lounge chair reading a book.  I went over to her with my toddlers in tow fussing about and said, "someday I hope to be you. Please tell me it gets easier."  She laughed said, "it does get easier, but my kids are 8 and 10!"  She told me to "hang in there."

I've hung in there alright! I may not be able to completely chill out at the pool just yet, but I'm getting there.  I'm all about self-care for Mama and maintaining idenity.  But let's face it, some of our dreams and desires do have to be put on hold due to safety, practicality or time. But it does get easier, you do get more time and those things you put on hold will come!

What is bogging you down right now? 


Do you have any passing phases you would like to share? 


Is it YOUR time yet?

Bring A Sense Of Calm To Your Day

I attract high achieving, determined and Type A moms to my coaching practice.  These women come to me because the way they lived pre-children does not work when they are forced to go at a slower pace, have patience and embrace the monotony of everyday parenting.  Due to this population (and the fact they all happen to be moms) it is not a surprise that most- if not all -of my clients I have ever worked with feel stressed most of the day.  I hear common complaints such as:

• I feel like I'm spinning all day.
• I go through my day on auto pilot.
• I don't enjoy the moment because I am always worried about what I should be doing.
• I'm always rushing around and hurrying my kids.
• I can't sit still or turn off. 
• Even when I have time to myself I can't enjoy it. 
• I have a restless mind during the day and at night.
• There is no time to connect with my partner.
• I multi-task all day long and feel like I am spread too thin.
• I'm not tasting or enjoying my food, yet I'm eating too much.                                                       

If you can't take anything away from your to do list, you might as well feel better doing it! 

I'm not going to promise you that I have the magic answer, or if you do these four methods that you will be "Zen Like" for all eternity.  What I do believe is that awareness goes along way. If you start with just listening to your thoughts, tapping into your feelings and permitting yourself to focus on where you are experiencing stress in your body-you will automatically feel a bit better.  If you go the extra mile and are open to flexing some new muscles and committed to adopting some new perspectives-then you will feel a whole lot better overall.

Here are the steps to bring a sense of calm to your day (along with how I do them in italics):

Step 1: Decide how you want to feel.
How would you like to feel throughout your day?  Stop focusing on all that needs to get done, but how you would like to feel while doing it.

 I want to feel calm, in control of myself, focused on gratitude, connected with the people I love on a daily basis and stay in the moment with whatever I am doing.

Step 2:  Create a mantra, find an inspirational quote, poem or story that reflects how you want to feel.    Once you find or create your words get to know them well.  Decide what the words mean to you.  Post these words in your car, by your bed, on your computer etc... Read them, feel them and reflect on them often.

My Mantra-CALM, CONTENT and CONNECTED


Step 3: Do a body scan  before getting out of bed each morning. A body scan is simply allowing yourself to sit still for a moment or two to actually tune into your body.  Are you thirsty, hungry, have tense muscles or have to pee?  Take care of your needs by drinking, eating, stretching, taking a warm shower or using the bathroom.  I know this sounds silly, how many of you don't take your first drink or bite of food until lunch time? Do you still have a child that wakes you up screaming each morning and you jump out of bed to tend to their needs?  Either make them wait 5 minutes (if you can tune them out) or do this scan directly after their immediate needs are met.  This is also a time where you may find you are feeling a little run down or are holding stress in your shoulders or jaw.  See if any patterns come up for you.

I perform a body scan each morning before getting out of my bed (sometimes despite the dogs whining to go outside or a kid already jumping on me or yelling at me to help wipe their butt).  I usually find my muscles are tight and I am thirsty.  I stretch upon getting out of bed and drink a glass of water before doing anything else.  

Step 4:  Practice the body scan and mantra several times a day.  If you find during your body scan that you need something, allow yourself to have it.  When you call back your mantra if you discover that you aren't in alignment, give yourself permission to identify whatever it is that is getting in your way and restart. When you first start experimenting with this you may forget the entire day to call back your mantra or practice the scan.  However, you are training yourself to be in touch with what is going on with you emotionally, cognitively and physically.  It is a practice on slowing down and becoming aware. It will get easier.  If you can't seem to remember to do these exercises throughout the day, set a timer.  You can start with 2-3x a day if that is all you can manage right now.  When the timer goes off-stop, do the body scan and call back your mantra.

I often find that my shoulders are up to my ears from stress, that I am not drinking enough during the day and that I had not been mindful of what I have done since my last body scan.  I give my body what she needs and allow myself to figure out what is preventing me from being calm, content and connected and then call it back.

What do you think?  Is it worth a try?  It may sound complicated at first, but like anything new-it takes practice.  Any takers?  I would love to hear from you after you try it for a couple weeks.

This Mama has MOJO!

This is a picture of me (on the left) and a dear friend of mine (on the right) directly after we crossed the Iron Girl half marathon last weekend.  I am proud of myself for completing the race as a new runner and for actually enjoying it.  But, I was completely blown away by my friend's persistence and dedication-because here is the kicker...she is a single mom of a baby boy.  That's right, you read that correctly, my friend is a single, full time working mom of a 7 month old and just completed her first ever 1/2 marathon.  Now that's Mama Mojo!

When I first decided to do the race I posted on my Facebook wall asking who's "in?"  My friend (pictured above) responded that she was-and I thought she was joking.  At the time she had a 4 month old and had just returned to her full time job four weeks prior.  But she was not kidding and off we started with our training.  She did her thing and I did mine during the week, but we ran our long runs together on Sundays.  She would pull herself out of her new mom slumber each Sunday morning, drive 45 minutes to my house so my husband could watch her baby and off we went to hit the pavement.  Nothing deterred her- not the sleep deprivation, not the long drive, not her multiple aches and pains, not the million other things she that were on her to do-list...not even our 11mile pre-race run in the pouring down rain.  I would have understood if she cancelled for any one of these reasons, but she never did. She cursed at me a few times for getting her into "this mess," but she kept on running. This Mama was amazing!

She made a decision to do something for herself and made it happen-despite the obstacles. Which proves to me perhaps the most important step in making something happen for yourself is deciding to do it, period.  Everything else from that point on can get figured out.  We don't need to get caught up in the details.  We can figure those out later.

What are you thinking about doing differently in your life?  Is it a change?  An addition of something positive?  Learning something new or giving something up?  Whatever it is, you can do it!  You just need to make a plan-and here's how:

Make a Plan
I am a big believer in setting goals and intentions.  Not just big ones, but the daily ones as well.  Just thinking about what you want won’t necessarily make it happen.  However, getting clear about what you want, talking about how you are going to make it happen and getting into motion usually will!   Setting goals and visions for the future will help keep you accountable and on track.  Without a definitive direction, we are just blowing through life without much control – or as a mother … just surviving your day-to-day, trying to stay afloat.

    Steps for making a plan:

• Get  clear about what you want- Think about it, talk about it and write about it.  What do you want your life to look and feel like?  Be as specific as you can.
• Get into action-Forward moving will produce energy.  Take a baby step or jump right in, but make a move in your desired direction.  Don't let fear paralyze you.  What is the worst that can happen if you took even the tiniest step?
• Enlist support-Find what or who can help you.  Enlisting the help of others will also do wonders for your commitment and accountability. 
• Stay aware and flexible-Kids get sick, situations change, goals need to be modified.  Stay flexible and positive-revise as necessary.  If something didn't work, don't view it as a failure, but an experiment from which to learn.  Take this knowledge and apply it for your benefit.

Now get out there and do something great for yourself!!!

Do You Resent Your Partner?

Do you grit your teeth every time your partner tells you he is going out with friends, heading out on a fishing trip or taking a weekend football getaway?  Do you want to smother him with a pillow each time he pretends like he can't hear the kids crying in the middle of the night or is still snoring when everyone else in the house is wide awake?  Do you secretly hope he drops a weight on his foot while he is working out at the gym for the 3x this week?

If so, YOU NEED TO GET OUT MORE!!!

Chances are if you are feeling resentment from the tips of your toes to the top of your nose-your aren't having any fun yourself.  This common theme comes up all the time with my coaching clients.  They hate their partners for being able to check out of their parental duties to have fun.  But, when it gets down to it, they are full of jealously because they can't seem to shut off for 10 minutes let alone a night or a weekend.

I get it, I used to be the same way.  My husband doesn't go out much, but he does have a few annual trips that he never misses.  Several years ago I used to have a physical reaction to his impending departure.  The weeks leading up to his trips I was a total brat, and when he was gone and would call home, I would make sure he knew just how hard I was working and how much stress he was leaving behind. I don't know what I was hoping for..to put a cramp in his fun, to make him feel guilty, or for him to come home.  I still don't know.  But I figured if I wasn't having any fun than neither should he.  And I wasn't.  I never went out, I didn't go on weekend getaways and I never even carved out alone time.  So I would be damned if he had his cake!

Over the years I have found that he had it all right and I was a bit crooked.  Women view motherhood as all consuming where men view it as one aspect of their life-so they are able to check out and tend to their other needs.  I've learned that when I am happy, frequently caring for my own needs and have a break from my family-I am happy to return the favor to my husband.  It is healthy for both us to get away and have some time by ourselves or with other people.  When he tells me about something he wants to do, or a trip he is planning, I am happy to know that it's just one in the bank for me!

So, if you feel like reaching out and strangling your partner next time he tells you he is going to do something for himself, check your calender to see the last time you got away.  I bet it's been a while.

Where in the World is Mama Mojo?

I have been MIA for a few months, I know.  I have been thinking of all of you and wanting to write more, be more present on Facebook, and send some inspiring newsletters-but I haven't.  Part of my absence has been due to choice.  I created a 2012 intention to slow down,  focus on what really matters and to put the "business" on simmer.

But...I've also been focusing my attention on other things lately.  So here is what has been sucking up all of my time...

1) I'm training for a 1/2 marathon!  This is WAY out of my comfort zone.  I never enjoyed running and only started in the early fall to try to get some exercise.  Although I am loving my sense of freedom and the fresh air, I am also QUITE SLOW!  So, the feet on the pavement takes a lot of time, several times a week!

2) I have come to the realization only recently, that my youngest is going to kindergarten next year and I have been taking every opportunity to play hookie with him.  Once upon a time I would send him to school for every moment I paid for so I could focus on my coaching biz and try to grow it into something  financially sustaining.  Now I would rather play with legos.

3) I have been asked to be the Keynote Speaker for National Women's History Month for the Federal Government and I am freaking out!  I am flattered and excited and honored-but I am also terrified, having nightmares and could throw up just thinking about it.  Lots of time has gone into not only writing the speech and creating the power point, but doing some soul searching and self-coaching on how I can get through this fear of speaking to a large crowd of people!

So, I have put all things related to My Mama Mojo marketing on simmer to concentrate with other life opportunities which have come my way.  I will continue to embrace new clients and hold workshops, but most likely will continue to be MIA from the blog, newsletters and frequent Facebook posts for a few more months.

Please don't be strangers and contact me if I can support you in any way.

I am not DOING anything new for the New Year!

I am a "doer," not an "experiencer."  This is good trait for assessing what is not working, completing goals and for general productivity.  But...it is NOT so good for experiencing life and simply being wherever you are and with whomever you are sharing the moment.

I AM MISSING LIFE AROUND ME!

When I reflect back on 2011, I remember spending a lot of time wanting, longing, wishing and planning. Wanting a bigger house, more clients, a bigger paycheck.  Longing for my husband to stop snoring, my kids to be calmer and sleep more.  Wishing for my dog to stop shedding and for the many piles of laundry, toys and crap all over my house to go away.  And planning about how I was going to "fix" all of it.

I DON'T REMEMBER BEING VERY GRATEFUL OR APPRECIATING WHAT I DO HAVE.

I had my moments.  Those sweet Hallmark moments-even days-when everything was flowing and effortless. I was thankful on those days.  But not all the days/weeks/months in-between.  On all the in between days I complained and made a plan on how to "fix it" and lost my appreciation.  I feel like 2011 was a year for discovering what I didn't like, setting goals and looking toward the future-but missing what was right in front of me.

I have felt this imbalance for the last couple of months and have done a ton of reading and reflecting around the ideas of mindfulness and the power of positive thought.  So... for 2012, I am not taking on any new projects, making a plan on how I can get more of something or fix a problem.  I am entering this New Year with fresh eyes and a new perspective about what I have all around me-that has always been there-and that I have been missing.

I am going to practice mindfulness (yes, it takes practice) and be very aware of my thoughts-and the power they have over my mood, health and overall perspective of life.  I am going to do less, experience more and find my happy calm spot. I won't be perfect.  I will find myself all in my head again- forgetting what I am doing in the moment.  I will hit a patch of negativity and complaints I am sure.  But, when I do- I will do so without judgement, but with a curious eye and wonder of how I can bring it back to the present positive moment.

What are your plans for the New Year?
Will you be doing something new or cutting something out?
I would love to hear about it!!!

Holiday stress? Do less!

Can your holiday season really be stress free?

For the past few weeks I have been inundated with tips and tricks from magazines, newsletter and blog posts promising a stress free holiday if I follow their simple steps.  And you know what? I don't buy any of it!  As a mother of young children the holidays are going to be stressful if you try to do everything you did pre-children.  It is the same concept as losing weight-there is no magic diet.  To weigh less, you must eat less. If you want to minimize stress, you have to do less.   


Period.  


So for what it is worth, here is one more stress free holiday tip:

Do less!

1) Make a list of everything you "have" to do.

2) Write a statement describing what the holiday season means to you (your values may have changed since becoming a mom). 

3) While reviewing the list, ask yourself if each item relates to your holiday values. Do you want to do each item?  Does it give you meaning or enjoyment?
     -If yes, great-keep doing it.
     -If no, scratch it off the list.

4) Whatever you scratched off, give yourself permission to be guilt free about it.

5) If something is really important to another family member-ask them to take it on.

6) Whatever you decided to keep-enjoy it to the fullest knowing that you don't have to rush through it to scratch something else on your list.

In using my own advice, I no longer send holiday cards or bake more than 1 kind of cookie from scratch.  I decline invitations to events that I really don't want to attend and I don't really care if my gifts are beautifully wrapped (I actually buy a lot of gift cards).  So call me a Scrooge if you like.  All I can tell you is that I make sure to plan the holidays in a way that is meaningful to me and my family-not a list of things to do.  I can honestly say, the holidays are not an increase of stress for me-because I am clear about the things I want to do and the things I have left behind.  If I miss these tasks when I am in a less demanding stage in my life-I will invite them back.

Are you up for revising your holiday "to-do" list in a way that creates meaning and joy instead of stress?

Are you talking to me?

"Your kids are so well behaved.  I didn't even know there were children sitting behind me until I got up to leave."  

Wow....are you talking to me?  

This is the compliment my husband and I received last week while we were out to Red Robin (you know the restaurant with the big red bird and unlimited fries).

This was not a fluke.

We receive the same compliment a few weeks ago while we were out for a "fancy" family dinner to celebrate our 11 year wedding anniversary (after we had to cancel our getaway weekend-long story).  When my husband went to the restroom a man approached him and said, "Your children are so well behaved, how do you do it?"  As we were leaving we saw this same man and his wife getting into their car.  My husband immediately spotted the car seats in their vehicle...and I felt a connection with them.  I remembered those days...wondering if/when we could take our kids out and they would actaully behave.

My husband and I cocked our proud peacock feathers and gushed over our kids on the way home-just beaming from this compliment.  We had come a long way! I was thinking of this couple-out for a night out-looking at our well behaved children wondering what the secret was.

The secret is there is no secret!

It takes time to teach kids to behave.  Some kids get it faster then others and some parents have more patients and tolerance. Our kids were not always so well behaved and I remember often looking at other families wondering how the hell they got their kids to sit, be engaged and practice their table manners.  Many a days my husband and I ended up in the car with one of our kids who was misbehaving, while the other half of the family finished their meal. If you could have seen us two years ago in a restaurant you would have either been highly annoyed that we were sitting near you, thought we were incompetent parents or felt sorry for us.  Whatever your opinion, we were a mess!  It was not because we weren't setting expectations, or following through with rules-it was because our children are very active, don't like to sit and are not real big fans of eating.  Period.

It wasn't just at restaurants, it was going out in public in general.  There was a time when I had enough of the humiliation, defeat and driving home with a face full of tears.  For about an 18 month time frame, I put myself and my children on house arrest.  I wouldn't take them out to eat or even to the grocery store together by myself.  My younger child is a wild child.  He would wander from me, couldn't sit in a chair (or high chair),  needed to touch everything and just wasn't catching on to the rules.  I spent so much time addressing his behavior that there were times that I had my eyes off my 3 year old for so long that it could have been a safety issue.

So I quit. 

I heard opinions such as, "How are you going to teach him if you don't expose him?" "Set the rules and if he breaks them-leave the store."  "You just aren't being strict enough."  Gee, thanks!  How about YOU take both kids to the grocery store and let me know how much food you actually bring home!

We continued to model appropriate meal manners at home.  We practiced safety rules at the park and using our indoor voices, staying with your mommy and listing to directions when we had to go to the doctor's office or were invited to a friend's home.  But it was a rare occasion that we went out to eat or to a store for something other then a one item pick up.

It took a looooong time, but he got it.

Now my kids are 4 and 6, and we get compliments about both their behavior.  Don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of discipline issues (especially with the wild child).  I still have my eyes on him at all times or destroys something or hurts himself-but we are getting there.  My approach worked for me and I wasn't influenced by other peoples' opinions on how I should be raising my kids.  My approach isn't for everyone, but it was MY approach and it worked for me.

So often we get caught up in what we think we should be doing or what the "experts" are telling us to do and it is not genuine to who we are or what feels comfortable to us.  Parenting is damn hard work, but it is even harder if you are doing it in a way that is inauthentic to you.

What are you struggling with now?  


What opinions are you receiving that don't quite feel right and what is your "gut" telling you to do?  


What can you do to implement a plan that is more comfortable to who you are?


What additional support do you need around this area?

New! Bring Back My Mojo Workshop

 Bring Back My Mojo! 

Not quite feeling like yourself since becoming a mom? 

Are you ready to feel great again? 

Come to Charm City Kids Club to connect with a group of like-minded women who are ready to laugh, get real, and support each other with the most common struggles of early motherhood. 

Through discussion, self-reflection and inspiring activities, you will learn realistic strategies to maintain your sanity and reconnect with YOU while enjoying in this crazy journey of motherhood! 

These 6 sessions will be held from 11:00am - 12:00 each Friday 

Starting December 2, 2011 and ending January 6, 2012 

12/2 — Becoming Mom: Your pregnancy and birth story 

12/9 — Letting go of GUILT, anger and resentment of self and others 

12/16 — Accepting changes you can’t control and changing what you can 

12/23 — Self-Care is not a luxury! 

12/30 — Who am I in addition to “Mom?” Creating your new identity 

1/6 — Getting clear on what you want: Setting goals and intentions 

Space is limited! 

$150 for all 6 sessions, and only $125 if you register before November 11 

 Includes a 58 page ebook of activities and self-reflection AND… 

 Free use of the Play Town for your child during the group session ($48 value)! 

If you would rather come without your child or your child is too young to use the space, you will be given 6 vouchers for future use. 

For more information or to reserve your spot, please contact Heather Sobieralski at (301) 717-7731 or heather@mymamamojo.com 

www.mymamamojo.com 

Run Mom, Run!

Is Running a Busy Moms Answer to Fitness... and Sanity?

I always liked the idea of running, but I have never been very good at it-or enjoyed it at all.  My experience of running is signing up for the high school track team because of the cute boys.  After I found myself on the B-String for sprints and taking quite a dramatic and humiliating tumble on the hurdles…it wasn’t very fun anymore.  So, I found myself on the opposite side of the field surprisingly skilled at the shot put and discus (even though at the time I was 5’2 and a buck 10).  Now, a bit more voluptuous, and a lot less concerned about cut boys, I find myself having an itch to be a runner!

I have tried over the years to like running, but it hurt.  It hurt my boobs, my pelvis and it hurt my ego. I have always been a relatively active and athletic person, but the running-I just couldn’t get. 

I became a mother for the first time almost 7 years ago, and have yet to find my fitness stride as a mom.  I would get on really good routines of going to the gym for a few weeks at a time and then someone would always get sick, schedules would change, the kids would complain about the gym daycare or I would lose my motivation. 

I have been thinking about running for quite some time now, and met the perfect person to help me over the hump!  

I was talking to a mother of one of my daughter’s friends.  She is not only a runner, but also a freelance writer about running and has a very popular blog called misszippy1.  I had talked to her about running on a few occasions until finally told her that what I needed was a running coach-someone to help me get started, teach me the right way and keep me accountable.  Well what do you know…misszippy1 is a certified running coach!  I signed up right away.

Miss Zippy (Amanda Loudin) took me shoe shopping, went running with me to watch my stride and sends me weekly schedules to follow.  My first week I was assigned to run 5 minutes/walk 1-minute 3x.  It is 5 weeks later and I'm up to 3 miles!!!  I live in Maryland, but Miss Zippy has clients from all over.  She breaks in newbies like me, modivates experienced runners to get past funks and trains people to prepare for marathons.

I am just not tolerating running, I am LOVING IT!  I have never had an exercise regimen that was so easy-easy in the sense that I put my 3 running days on the calendar, but don’t have to do them at a certain time of the day.  I can put my shoes on and run out the door or drive to the park for a change or scenery.  I am also feeling so empowered by my progress.  I run in the sun, the rain and have spent entirely too much money outfitting myself in preparation of the snow too!

I have found a new passion that is good for my brain, my mood and my body.  I only wish I had started 7 years ago and brought the babies along.

Were you a runner in your pre-mom days?  Do you find the joy of running now or have your ever thought about it?  Do you have your own fitness routine that works for you?

Would you rather be a mermaid or a whale?

At an entrance to a gym there was a picture with a thin, and beautiful woman.  Underneath the picture,  the caption read, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

I suppose this did not sit well with the anonymous author of this letter.  But here is one damn good answer to that question!


"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.


They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.


They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.


Mermaids do not exist.


But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?


They would have no sex life and could not bear children.


Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.


And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?


Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.


At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.


We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.


We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.


Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "
-Anonymous


How about you?  Would you rather be a mermaid or a whale?

Bring Back My Mojo!

Not your ordinary Mom’s group

This group is full!  

Ditch the diaper bag, take a break from the kids, and come to Greenberries to connect with a group of like-minded women who are ready to laugh, get real, and support each other with the most common struggles of early motherhood.

Through discussion, self-reflection and inspiring activities, you will learn realistic strategies to maintain your sanity and reconnect with YOU while enjoying this crazy journey of motherhood!

Join our focused meet-up group targeted toward creating more joy for the MOM!

6 sessions will be held from 7:30-9:00 every other week

Starting October 6^th and ending December 15th

Session 1: Becoming Mom: Your pregnancy and birth story

Session 2: Letting go of GUILT, anger and resentment of self and others

Session 3: Accepting changes you can’t control-changing what you can

Session 4: Self-Care is not a luxury!

Session 5: Who am I in addition to “Mom?” Creating your new identity

Session 6: Getting clear on what you want: Setting goals and intentions

$10 for individual drop-in sessions (pre-registration required)

$40 for all 6-session pre-registration required by September 29^th

*Includes weekly pdf. file of activity and self-reflection

Q and A

Q: I am not local to Baltimore/DC, but this sound great!  How can I get involved?

A: If you are interested in doing this workshop via teleconference, please email me with your contact information and what days/times will work for you.  I will create a list and start an addtional group if we have enough interest.

Q: Why is this workshop so cheap?

A:  I have taken a culmination of the common concerns and frustrations from my clients and have written a workbook.  This group will be a pilot of the very first group to use the material.  The cost of this workshop will go up to $150 after this first go around.

Q: Is this group geared toward working moms? Stay at home moms? New Moms? Experienced Moms?

A: Yes, yes, yes and yes!  This group is for any woman who feels like she has neglected her own needs since becoming a mother.  This opportunity is perfect for women who want to reconnect with who they are and are ready to make some realistic changes to create a more joyful life.

Q: What are the exact dates of this workshop?

A: October 6, 20, November 3, 17, December 1 and 15

Q: Can I come to just the topics that interest me?

A: Yes, you can pay a drop in fee of $10 a session or pay $40 in advance for all 6 sessions.  Pre-registration is required either way.

Q: Will I receive any materials or written information about the workshop?

A: Yes, you will receive an electronic version of the workbook so you can go at your own pace.

Q: Can I purchase the workbook if I can't attend the group?

A: Yes, the workbook purchased separately is $15.

Q: Can I bring my child/children?

A: This is your time to be YOU, away from your kids.  You will get more out of the group if you give your undivided attention, I do understand that emergencies happen, so babies on laps are welcome.  NO TURBO TODDLERS PLEASE!!!

Q:  I am very busy, how much "extra work" is expected from this group.

A:  On our "off" weeks you can work on the activities from your workbook.  You can read and reflect, or journal.  Once in a while you will have a homework assignment (ex. a date by yourself).  The amount of time you put into this workshop is entirely up to you.

Q: Are there any rules to the group?

A: We can talk more about this as a group, but my 2 big rules are what is said in the group stays in the group and it is a zero judgement zone!

Q: Can we make this like a Mom's night out and have drinks and munchies?

A: Absolutely!  BYOB of choice

Q:  Sign me up, I'm ready to go!  How do I pay?

A:  You can pay vial Pay Pal (I will send you an invoice) or write a check to My Mama Mojo.

If you would like more detailed information, have interest in joining a future daytime group, or are ready to reserve your spot on October 6th, please contact me at (301) 717-7731 or heather@mymamamojo.com