Friday, June 4, 2010
Potty Training Explosions (literally)
If you have ever been a parent (if you are interested in reading this, I assume you are part of the club), you have come to accept the fact that every bodily fluid will at one time or another be sprayed upon you by your spewing children.
We all have been spit up on, hit with projectile vomiting, been mistaken for a pee target or been a victim of a "toot" gone bad.
This experience of mine my friends, takes the cake!
If you know my children at all, you know that I don't enjoy taking them out in public and avoid it at all costs. The chaos is all to stressful for me to handle gracefully. However, I had been under house arrest while potty training my youngest child. It was week 3 into it and I was fairly confident I could take him out in his big boy underpants. After all, what is the worst thing that could happen... an accident? No problem, been there done that! I was armed with not one, but 2 change of outfits and lots of wipes. I even remembered to bring an extra bag for soiled clothes...just in case.
I decided to meet my friend, and her two girls for lunch with my offspring. Everything was going great. I was happy to be out, my kids were behaving and my friend and I had been trying to get together for a long time. As an extra bonus, her kids were older then mine, so they were naturally idolized, and free entertainment for my kids.
My newly potty trained son announced he had to go to the bathroom. I was so happy his acquired skill transferred outside the home and happily whisked him to the restroom. I dangled him above the toilet (penis facing the toilet bowl) as not to touch any nasty potty germs. He peed right away. "Yeah, good boy...bla bla bla." We went back to our seats.
The food had come mind you, and of course I had not yet taken a bite. My son announces again, "I have to go to the bathroom." Same old drill...I leave my very patient friend with my 4 year old daughter and march my 2 year old to the restroom (with less enthusiasm this time). "Poop or pee?" I ask..."pee!" OK, I dangle him over the toilet again and before I could comprehend what was happening...EXPLOSION!!!
He had the most explosive diareah I have ever seen (remember his butt was aimed right at me). In the split second it took for me to realize the volcano was about to erupt again, I swung him around to face his rear-end in the toilet bowl. In the process, he sprayed me (again), the wall, the toilet paper roll and the entire toilet seat.
At this point, there is shit everywhere; on my clothes, my shoes, my hands, arms and the entire bathroom stall. I can't even sit him on the toilet, because it is covered too. So, he continues to blow, suspended in air, 12 inches above the toilet.
When the poop storm had past, I look around at the shit massacre before me. His clothes, socks and shoes were completely hopeless, so I threw them away. Mine were too, but what was I going to do about that? I took every last paper towel and cleaned the bathroom as best I could. I washed his naked body and my hands, arms and face in the sink. I wiped my shity clothes and shoes as best I could, all the while praying that nobody was going to open the door and see what the hell was going on in here. Or maybe I wanted someone to find me so they could offer some help or get my friend (who still had no idea what was going on).
Any good mother would have brought her diaper bag in with her right? Not me, queen of "winging it." I had NOTHING but shit stained clothes and a naked 2 year old. What was a mom to do? I marched my naked two year old and my smelly self out to the restaurant to find my friend. Everyone in the place stopped to stare-we must have been quite a site! I found my friend and she greeted us with an "oh my"-no further explanation needed. I got my daughter and the three of us marched out the door!
1) Always bring your diaper bag in the bathroom, you never know may happen in there.
2) Never, ever, ever dangle a child above the toilet with their butt facing you (even if they say they only have to pee)!
3) Unconditional love