The Ugly Truth about the Elf on the Shelf

Guest post on Everything Moms 

If you are not familiar with the holiday tradition of the Elf on the Shelf, you will take notice now. It is a concept so simple, yet so ingenious, that you will kick yourself for not inventing it first, (just as you do every time you shell out 5 bucks for a pack of Silly Bands)! This special Elf comes with his own book describing how he is to be placed on a shelf so he can watch your behavior and report back to Santa while you sleep. You will find him again upon waking in the morning, but always in a different spot. Perhaps the most dramatic fact about this Elf is that you can NEVER, EVER touch him, or he will lose his magical power.

This Elf has been working like a charm in our house. The kids really do believe in his magic. They are listening better, are treating each other more kindly, and if they start acting up, all I have to do is point to Will, (that is what they named our Elf) and their behavior instantly changes to sugar and spice. The Elf has also inspired hours of pretend play. The kids dress up in our random Santa hats and Christmas stockings in preparation of sitting like statues in various rooms watching our behavior like little Elf accomplices.

The Elf on the Shelf has brought us great joy in the short time we have known him. But (a BIG BUT...), behind that sweet Elf smile and his cute red suit, lie some ugly truths, which I believe should be disclosed at this time. I love this Elf, I really do, but he has caused a certain level of disruption in our home. He should come with some warning, or caution labels to parents.

• WARNING #1: If your children are of the high strung variety, you may want to skip past (or at least down play) the part about losing the magical powers if he is touched. If not, your 5 year old may frequently wake up in the night at 12, 2 and 4 AM from nightmares that she has touched the Elf and has ruined Christmas.
• WARNING #2: If you have birthed any "early bird" children, you may want to go to bed extra early during the Elf’s holiday visiting time. If your extra spirited 3 year old child can't contain himself, he may very well go from waking at 6 AM to 5 AM just so darned excited that he must bounce out of bed and run downstairs to see where the Elf has moved during the night. He will then perhaps burst from exuberance if he doesn't scream his findings at the top of this lungs (waking up high strung child #1 just as she has drifted back to sleep from all of her traumatic Elf nightmares).
• WARNING #3: If you plan to bring out the Elf in any fashion this holiday season, consider bringing him out later, rather then sooner (December 22nd for instance) Remembering to move him each night (or morning) before the early bird (see warning #2) gets up is a lot of pressure and performance anxiety for both the Elf and parent-especially if you are lacking in impulse control and he came to visit your house on November 2!

Would I use the Elf again next year or recommend the Elf for a friend? You betcha! I would however strongly suggest some story manipulation to make the Elf's visit a bit lower maintenance. If your children are already reading, I would consider bringing your Elf home without the book and make up your own Elf story to fit the unique needs of your own children (and so that mom and dad can get some sleep this holiday season)!

Happy Elf spotting!

photo from Elfontheshelf.com

Chilling Out

My December blogging will be sparse...maybe even non-existent.  Perhaps I will return as usual in January, but perhaps not.  I am taking the season off to chill out, slow down, and create the time to enjoy my family and friends.  I am going to sip hot chocolate, make snow angels, enjoy the holiday lights, cuddle with my husband and play with my kids.  Coaching clients are always more then welcome, but I am taking a small break from the blog.


Stay warm, enjoy life, take extra care of you... and hug your children often!!!


Happy Holidays!!!

Don't tell dad

A guest post on Owning Pink

My five year-old got off the bus visibly upset yesterday. Instead of giving me her usual run-off-the-bus-all smiles-and-giving-me-a-bear-hug, she stomped past me avoiding eye contact and headed straight for the house. When I asked her what was bothering her, she blurted out, “________ cut my hair in art class!” 

Keeping my cool

I’ve braced myself for this moment -- the first time my child would tell me something shocking. I know I am suppose to keep a straight face, don’t judge, ask open-ended questions, stay calm, be caring and concerned -- but support her in solving her own problems. The dilemma was that none of this was working. She had completely shut down and refused to talk to me about it. The only information I got was that she didn’t tell anyone at school and she didn’t tell the boy to stop. Then she said something I really wasn’t expecting: “Don’t tell dad.” I knew this day would come -- when I was asked to keep a secret from my husband, like her first crush, buying her first bra, or wearing lipstick -- but I did not expected it at the age of five. 

Fortunately, she has dance right after school. Most parents have luck talking to their kids while in the car, right? They aren’t distracted, and you can’t make eye contact -- this is where is where it is all supposed to all hang out, right? WRONG! I got nothing again. I let her know that I was so glad that she told me, that I loved her no matter what… but I wanted to talk about how she could have handled the situation differently (being firm with the hair cutter and telling the teacher). Nope, she wasn’t having it! I tried to address the safety issue of the scissors and that she has every right and absolutely should protect her body. All I got was, “Stop taking about it mom!”  At this point I was less concerned about the hair cutting itself and more concerned at her reaction and withdrawal. This is not the child I know.

What other moms would do

My daughter’s dance class is over an hour long and when I am not feeling particularly inspired to go to the gym, I stay and talk with my friends. Today, I needed their advice (a perfect excuse not to work out). When I tell my two friends the story, one immediately blurts out, “My husband would be up at the school in a hot second.” The second one said, “This is a safety issue and it needs to be handled.” (I have great firecracker friends that always have my back!)

After their knee-jerk reaction, they deeply listened to me and realized that I had a trust issue here. I want my children to feel comfortable telling me ANYTHING.  I don’t want my daughter to feel like she can’t come to me without me immediately reacting and calling the school. I want to be the “go to”, and a positive guide in the right direction, but not THE problem solver. If I felt like my child or another child was in danger, then that is very black and white. I would tell. This situation was a grey area for me -- and one that I felt was a test for the future.    

I completed this conversation deciding that I would try one more time on the car ride home to encourage my daughter to tell her daddy and grant me permission to email her teacher. If she refused again, I would leave it alone. Trust trumps the need to inform in this case. My friends still disagreed with my decision, and came to their own conclusions that if this were their kid they would call the school. Being the open minded and non-judgmental gals they are, they tell me to trust my gut and that I know my kid best. 

One more attempt

I decide to try one more time in the car on the way home from dance to talk to my daughter. I attempt to convince her to tell her daddy -- because he would want to know, and to grant me permission to email her teacher -- because she needs to protect the other kids. Bingo! I suppose the endorphins of exercise are a natural mood lifter. She was much more “available”, verbal and clearheaded about what we should do, and what she can do in the future if someone else is invading her body or space. I feel much better that we were able to talk, and that we have a plan. But most importantly, I kept her confidence. I bet she will come to me next time she needs to talk without the fear of me getting all hot and bothered and reacting without her consent.

I do, however, hold strong that I would have stuck with my original decision to do nothing if this is what she ultimately wanted. 

What would you have done? How have you handled the balance between the desire to protect your child and the need to gain their trust?

Reclaiming Mama Mojo

A guest post on the fabulous blog, Working Moms Break

Most jobs aren’t made for people who have children. Which is one of the reasons a lot of moms and dads start their own businesses. Lately several blog readers have been asking for advice or stories about this. So I asked Heather Sobieralski to write a guest post about why she decided to start her own business.

Heather has two kids, is a life coach for moms, and also works part time as a middle school counselor. You can read more about her coaching services at My Mama Mojo, or about her own journey of motherhood on her blog.

Why did you decide to start your own business?

It’s something I was called to do.

When I first became a mother, life I as knew it changed. I felt as though everything I had previously known from my pre-child self was gone. My confidence disappeared. I had no I idea who this woman was occupying my body. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I was not enjoying motherhood. I was supposed to be happy right?

Read full story>

How many activities are your children in?

A guest post on Sane Moms


Do you wake up early and rush to get ready (and sometimes still leave the house with wet hair)?  Do you rush the kids to get up and get going – so you can rush them through breakfast, rush them to school and rush yourself to work?  Do you rush around all day at work so you can leave on time and rush home so you are not late for the bus or day care pick up?  Do you rush through homework, so you can rush to after school activities, rush to come home to make dinner, cram food down your throats, rush through baths, reading and bed … to rush off to sleep so you have the energy to do it all again the next day?

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone!

Some of this is the life of a mother, but other parts can be avoided.  How many activities are your children involved in?  How many commitments do you have during the week?  Is there anything you can start crossing off your list?

I know some children and families thrive on lots of activities and scheduled events.  Most kids I know are in 2-4 activities at a time.  A good friend of mine has a first grader who has something every day of the week, and is as happy as a clam. If I were her mother, I would have a nervous breakdown.  I don’t like to rush.  I don’t like to be over scheduled and I need family down time.  My kids say they want to do it all…dance, music, art, soccer, martial arts – you name it. I have enrolled my kids in more then one activity at a time, and it didn’t work so well.  They were stressed, they didn’t enjoy their time, and I felt like I was paying tuition to drag them to participate.   It wasn’t fun for any of us.  This year they were allowed to pick one activity.  My 5-year-old daughter wanted to take dance, and my three year old chose to stay home and play with his toys-works for me!

Our mornings are still a bit frazzled, but our evenings are so much more relaxed.  We have no commitments on the weekends.  We don’t rush through our tasks; we take our time and connect with each other.  The kids even get bored every once in a while and are forced to use their imaginations and think outside the box – instead of being entertained by outside stimuli. I don’t know how long the one activity rule will be in effect, but for now, it works.  It works for them and it works for me.

Have you found your happy medium?

————————-

Heather is a life coach for moms, a middle school counselor and a mama who is committed to rocking her mojo! She has two extremely “spirited,” independent and strong-willed children who test her, teach her and exhaust her…several times a day!  You can read more about her atMy Mama Mojo.

Happiness is like a butterfly

A guest post on Owning Pink

Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder... - Henry David Thoreau

The Chase

For many months I had been working every spare (and some not so spare) moments to launch a life coaching business. I had neglected spending precious time with my kids, I had completely ignored my husband and I felt obsessed. My hunger and vision for this company was dictating my life, my time and my happiness. Despite all of this time and energy, I was not getting the results I desired. I absolutely LOVED the coaching part, but I absolutely DID NOT LOVE the business part. I was stressed, unhappy and unfulfilled. I knew something had to give, but I wasn't sure how to start my new way of thinking or how to implement my new call to action...until I saw my daughter dance with a butterfly.

The Story

The story starts several months ago when I ordered my daughter a butterfly kit. In the kit came with five caterpillars in a transparent jar and a much larger enclosed net for when the caterpillars turned into butterflies. My daughter loved these little caterpillars. She took them everywhere. She talked about them to anyone who would listen and showed anyone who cared to look. The caterpillars grew three times their size, and with in ten days or so, they and turned into chrysalis. During this delicate time, my daughter was their protector, making sure nobody moved or bumped them. She was extra careful to put them in their new netting when they were ready for their new home. She watched these chrysalis all day and still talked about them incessantly. She loved these living things and took great pride in caring for them. One day we woke up and one of the butterflies had come out! For the next several days we watched the remaining butterflies fly in the netting. My daughter really launched in to care-taking mode now. She fed them oranges, watermelon and sugar water every morning. She sang to them, told them stories and would still talk to anyone who would listen about her "pets".

Then the day came to let them go. I was proud of her for understanding that the butterflies would live a happier life being free despite wanting to keep them confined for her enjoyment. With tears in her eyes, she said goodbye and let them go. For weeks afterward, she still talked about these butterflies nonstop. She wondered what they were doing. She looked for them anytime we were outside. She dreamed of seeing them again and she was quite sad before bedtime, when she thought about them the most.

Then one day she just stopped asking. I don't know why, she just turned her attention to other things.

It was weeks later and we were swimming in a pool, in a different state. This painted lady (the kind of butterfly she raised) came to play with her. The butterfly would dive into her, land on her, and fly away-as if asking to play. It did this several time in a row. It was quite a spectacle, as even strangers were getting their cameras out to capture this dance of a little girl and a butterfly. My daughter was finally at peace in her decision to let the butterflies go.

 

The Interpretation

I had always loved the butterfly quote by Thoreau. I even used to have it framed on my wall. It wasn't until in my own struggle at "chasing life" that I began to interpret this quote in a practical way. My happiness -- or at least my self worth -- had been wrapped up in the success of business. I had a plan for how many clients I would have by a certain timeframe, and my "happiness" was eluding me. I was so caught up in what wasn't happening that I started to doubt my ability as a coach, and even the indescribable pull that lead me to wanting to help mothers. I thought I had made a mistake. 

 

The release

I took what I had just witnessed with my daughter and the butterfly, the Thoreau quote which I had read at least 300 times over my lifetime, and the numerous Owning Pink posts on asking the Universe for something and then just...letting go. Letting go was a foreign concept to me. I am a doer, always in action. How was I to grow a business doing nothing? Do nothing...in theory this is easy -- in reality, not so much. I even have trouble relaxing in a bathtub, let alone throwing my hands up and asking the Universe to take care of my business. In all honesty, I realized that I couldn't "DO" any more. As unnatural as it was to me, I had to practice letting go. I stopped talking about coaching to everyone I knew. I stopped obsessing about all the stuff I thought I had to do to launch a successful business. I stopped spending hours everyday on the computer networking. I reconnected with why I wanted to help mothers and why I was called to coaching. I spent time replenishing myself and my relationships. I thought about other times in my life that I felt like I was banging my head against the wall, then I looked back and I was exactly where I needed to be every step of the way. I surrendered and decided to let the Universe take over. I just let go and hoped it would happen when it was supposed to.

And then it happened, The clients came. Not only did the clients come, but the "perfect clients" came. These were the clients I visualized when I was going through my strange, surreal experience of being called to help other women in their quest to find happiness. When it finally happened, it was not forced or strained. It was not because of my networking, or marketing or obsessing. It  really required no effort whatsoever. It was completely natural, because I let go, I stopped chasing, and the Universe said it was time.

What is eluding you no matter how hard you chase it? Have you ever had an experience of letting go and allowing the Universe to deliver when the time was right?

Heather Sobieralski

My Mama Mojo

Life Coach for Moms

When is the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone?

A guest post on Sane Moms

I am fairly spontaneous.  I like to think I am open minded enough to try almost anything given the opportunity (I just couldn’t jump out of that plane though).  I may not be the one scratching the wild ideas off my list, but if someone else wants to try something new, I am a sure bet to go with them.

My husband and I were on a weekend getaway for our 10-year anniversary in Berkley Springs, West Virginia this month.  After breakfast on Saturday morning, we drove to a state park for a hike.  As we were looking for trail markers, we saw a sign that said,  “skeet shooting”.   My husband lit up and said, “Have you ever shot a gun?”  I laughed out loud and said, “Me, really? When in the world would I have ever shot a gun?”  Then he asks, “Would you like to shoot a gun?”  My husband continues to probe about the gun shooting.  He encourages me by saying, “It is really fun and should be on my bucket list.”  Well sure, what the hell, let’s go shoot some guns!

Anyone who knows me is surely laughing hysterically at this point in the story.  I am about as peaceful as you get.  I avoid conflict; I am a strict vegetarian and take every bug I find in my house outside without harm.  I have no need for guns.  But I have to tell you, shooting a gun is soooo much fun!  After I got the hang of loading the 20 gauge shot gun, putting it to my shoulder, removing the safety, fingers in position, situating it on my cheek and pulling, I actually had a fairly good shot.  I hit 6/23 clay disks!

I walked away from this experience feeling empowered by my new skill.  Not because of the obvious force of a gun, but because I had challenged myself at something so foreign and intimidating to me.  Will I shoot a gun again for fun? Maybe.  Will I have the moxie to try something else so far out of my comfort zone? Absolutely yes!

When is the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone?  

Is there something you are itching to try, but are too intimidated?