My Mama Mojo

I am not DOING anything new for the New Year!

2011-12-29T09:37:00.000-08:00

I am a "doer," not an "experiencer." This is good trait for assessing what is not working, completing goals and for general productivity. But...it is NOT so good for experiencing life and simply being wherever you are and with whomever you are sharing the moment.

I AM MISSING LIFE AROUND ME!

When I reflect back on 2011, I remember spending a lot of time wanting, longing, wishing and planning. Wanting a bigger house, more clients, a bigger paycheck. Longing for my husband to stop snoring, my kids to be calmer and sleep more. Wishing for my dog to stop shedding and for the many piles of laundry, toys and crap all over my house to go away. And planning about how I was going to "fix" all of it.

I DON'T REMEMBER BEING VERY GRATEFUL OR APPRECIATING WHAT I DO HAVE.

I had my moments. Those sweet Hallmark moments-even days-when everything was flowing and effortless. I was thankful on those days. But not all the days/weeks/months in-between. On all the in between days I complained and made a plan on how to "fix it" and lost my appreciation. I feel like 2011 was a year for discovering what I didn't like, setting goals and looking toward the future-but missing what was right in front of me.

I have felt this imbalance for the last couple of months and have done a ton of reading and reflecting around the ideas of mindfulness and the power of positive thought. So... for 2012, I am not taking on any new projects, making a plan on how I can get more of something or fix a problem. I am entering this New Year with fresh eyes and a new perspective about what I have all around me-that has always been there-and that I have been missing.

I am going to practice mindfulness (yes, it takes practice) and be very aware of my thoughts-and the power they have over my mood, health and overall perspective of life. I am going to do less, experience more and find my happy calm spot. I won't be perfect. I will find myself all in my head again- forgetting what I am doing in the moment. I will hit a patch of negativity and complaints I am sure. But, when I do- I will do so without judgement, but with a curious eye and wonder of how I can bring it back to the present positive moment.

What are your plans for the New Year?
Will you be doing something new or cutting something out?
I would love to hear about it!!!

Holiday stress? Do less!

2011-11-15T08:52:00.000-08:00

Can your holiday season really be stress free?

For the past few weeks I have been inundated with tips and tricks from magazines, newsletter and blog posts promising a stress free holiday if I follow their simple steps. And you know what? I don't buy any of it! As a mother of young children the holidays are going to be stressful if you try to do everything you did pre-children. It is the same concept as losing weight-there is no magic diet. To weigh less, you must eat less. If you want to minimize stress, you have to do less.

Period.

So for what it is worth, here is one more stress free holiday tip:

Do less!

1) Make a list of everything you "have" to do.

2) Write a statement describing what the holiday season means to you (your values may have changed since becoming a mom).

3) While reviewing the list, ask yourself if each item relates to your holiday values. Do you want to do each item? Does it give you meaning or enjoyment?
   -If yes, great-keep doing it.
   -If no, scratch it off the list.

4) Whatever you scratched off, give yourself permission to be guilt free about it.

5) If something is really important to another family member-ask them to take it on.

6) Whatever you decided to keep-enjoy it to the fullest knowing that you don't have to rush through it to scratch something else on your list.

In using my own advice, I no longer send holiday cards or bake more than 1 kind of cookie from scratch. I decline invitations to events that I really don't want to attend and I don't really care if my gifts are beautifully wrapped (I actually buy a lot of gift cards). So call me a Scrooge if you like. All I can tell you is that I make sure to plan the holidays in a way that is meaningful to me and my family-not a list of things to do. I can honestly say, the holidays are not an increase of stress for me-because I am clear about the things I want to do and the things I have left behind. If I miss these tasks when I am in a less demanding stage in my life-I will invite them back.

Are you up for revising your holiday "to-do" list in a way that creates meaning and joy instead of stress?

Are you talking to me?

2011-11-08T08:49:00.000-08:00

"Your kids are so well behaved. I didn't even know there were children sitting behind me until I got up to leave."

Wow....are you talking to me?

This is the compliment my husband and I received last week while we were out to Red Robin (you know the restaurant with the big red bird and unlimited fries).

This was not a fluke.

We receive the same compliment a few weeks ago while we were out for a "fancy" family dinner to celebrate our 11 year wedding anniversary (after we had to cancel our getaway weekend-long story). When my husband went to the restroom a man approached him and said, "Your children are so well behaved, how do you do it?" As we were leaving we saw this same man and his wife getting into their car. My husband immediately spotted the car seats in their vehicle...and I felt a connection with them. I remembered those days...wondering if/when we could take our kids out and they would actaully behave.

My husband and I cocked our proud peacock feathers and gushed over our kids on the way home-just beaming from this compliment. We had come a long way! I was thinking of this couple-out for a night out-looking at our well behaved children wondering what the secret was.

The secret is there is no secret!

It takes time to teach kids to behave. Some kids get it faster then others and some parents have more patients and tolerance. Our kids were not always so well behaved and I remember often looking at other families wondering how the hell they got their kids to sit, be engaged and practice their table manners. Many a days my husband and I ended up in the car with one of our kids who was misbehaving, while the other half of the family finished their meal. If you could have seen us two years ago in a restaurant you would have either been highly annoyed that we were sitting near you, thought we were incompetent parents or felt sorry for us. Whatever your opinion, we were a mess! It was not because we weren't setting expectations, or following through with rules-it was because our children are very active, don't like to sit and are not real big fans of eating. Period.

It wasn't just at restaurants, it was going out in public in general. There was a time when I had enough of the humiliation, defeat and driving home with a face full of tears. For about an 18 month time frame, I put myself and my children on house arrest. I wouldn't take them out to eat or even to the grocery store together by myself. My younger child is a wild child. He would wander from me, couldn't sit in a chair (or high chair), needed to touch everything and just wasn't catching on to the rules. I spent so much time addressing his behavior that there were times that I had my eyes off my 3 year old for so long that it could have been a safety issue.

So I quit.

I heard opinions such as, "How are you going to teach him if you don't expose him?" "Set the rules and if he breaks them-leave the store." "You just aren't being strict enough." Gee, thanks! How about YOU take both kids to the grocery store and let me know how much food you actually bring home!

We continued to model appropriate meal manners at home. We practiced safety rules at the park and using our indoor voices, staying with your mommy and listing to directions when we had to go to the doctor's office or were invited to a friend's home. But it was a rare occasion that we went out to eat or to a store for something other then a one item pick up.

It took a looooong time, but he got it.

Now my kids are 4 and 6, and we get compliments about both their behavior. Don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of discipline issues (especially with the wild child). I still have my eyes on him at all times or destroys something or hurts himself-but we are getting there. My approach worked for me and I wasn't influenced by other peoples' opinions on how I should be raising my kids. My approach isn't for everyone, but it was MY approach and it worked for me.

So often we get caught up in what we think we should be doing or what the "experts" are telling us to do and it is not genuine to who we are or what feels comfortable to us. Parenting is damn hard work, but it is even harder if you are doing it in a way that is inauthentic to you.

What are you struggling with now?

What opinions are you receiving that don't quite feel right and what is your "gut" telling you to do?

What can you do to implement a plan that is more comfortable to who you are?

What additional support do you need around this area?

New! Bring Back My Mojo Workshop

2011-10-28T07:56:00.000-07:00

Bring Back My Mojo!

Not quite feeling like yourself since becoming a mom?
Are you ready to feel great again?
Come to Charm City Kids Club to connect with a group of like-minded women who are ready to laugh, get real, and support each other with the most common struggles of early motherhood.
Through discussion, self-reflection and inspiring activities, you will learn realistic strategies to maintain your sanity and reconnect with YOU while enjoying in this crazy journey of motherhood!

These 6 sessions will be held from 11:00am - 12:00 each Friday
Starting December 2, 2011 and ending January 6, 2012

12/2 — Becoming Mom: Your pregnancy and birth story

12/9 — Letting go of GUILT, anger and resentment of self and others

12/16 — Accepting changes you can’t control and changing what you can

12/23 — Self-Care is not a luxury!

12/30 — Who am I in addition to “Mom?” Creating your new identity

1/6 — Getting clear on what you want: Setting goals and intentions

Space is limited!

$150 for all 6 sessions, and only $125 if you register before November 11

 Includes a 58 page ebook of activities and self-reflection AND…

 Free use of the Play Town for your child during the group session ($48 value)!

If you would rather come without your child or your child is too young to use the space, you will be given 6 vouchers for future use.

For more information or to reserve your spot, please contact Heather Sobieralski at (301) 717-7731 or heather@mymamamojo.com

www.mymamamojo.com

Run Mom, Run!

2011-10-16T06:47:00.000-07:00

Is Running a Busy Moms Answer to Fitness... and Sanity?

I always liked the idea of running, but I have never been very good at it-or enjoyed it at all. My experience of running is signing up for the high school track team because of the cute boys. After I found myself on the B-String for sprints and taking quite a dramatic and humiliating tumble on the hurdles…it wasn’t very fun anymore. So, I found myself on the opposite side of the field surprisingly skilled at the shot put and discus (even though at the time I was 5’2 and a buck 10). Now, a bit more voluptuous, and a lot less concerned about cut boys, I find myself having an itch to be a runner!

I have tried over the years to like running, but it hurt. It hurt my boobs, my pelvis and it hurt my ego. I have always been a relatively active and athletic person, but the running-I just couldn’t get.

I became a mother for the first time almost 7 years ago, and have yet to find my fitness stride as a mom. I would get on really good routines of going to the gym for a few weeks at a time and then someone would always get sick, schedules would change, the kids would complain about the gym daycare or I would lose my motivation.

I have been thinking about running for quite some time now, and met the perfect person to help me over the hump!

I was talking to a mother of one of my daughter’s friends. She is not only a runner, but also a freelance writer about running and has a very popular blog called misszippy1. I had talked to her about running on a few occasions until finally told her that what I needed was a running coach-someone to help me get started, teach me the right way and keep me accountable. Well what do you know…misszippy1 is a certified running coach! I signed up right away.

Miss Zippy (Amanda Loudin) took me shoe shopping, went running with me to watch my stride and sends me weekly schedules to follow. My first week I was assigned to run 5 minutes/walk 1-minute 3x. It is 5 weeks later and I'm up to 3 miles!!! I live in Maryland, but Miss Zippy has clients from all over. She breaks in newbies like me, modivates experienced runners to get past funks and trains people to prepare for marathons.

I am just not tolerating running, I am LOVING IT! I have never had an exercise regimen that was so easy-easy in the sense that I put my 3 running days on the calendar, but don’t have to do them at a certain time of the day. I can put my shoes on and run out the door or drive to the park for a change or scenery. I am also feeling so empowered by my progress. I run in the sun, the rain and have spent entirely too much money outfitting myself in preparation of the snow too!

I have found a new passion that is good for my brain, my mood and my body. I only wish I had started 7 years ago and brought the babies along.

Were you a runner in your pre-mom days? Do you find the joy of running now or have your ever thought about it? Do you have your own fitness routine that works for you?

Would you rather be a mermaid or a whale?

2011-10-05T16:13:00.000-07:00

At an entrance to a gym there was a picture with a thin, and beautiful woman. Underneath the picture, the caption read, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

I suppose this did not sit well with the anonymous author of this letter. But here is one damn good answer to that question!

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.

They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.

They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?

They would have no sex life and could not bear children.

Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.

And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.

We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.

Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "
-Anonymous

How about you? Would you rather be a mermaid or a whale?

2011-09-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

Bring Back My Mojo!

Not your ordinary Mom’s group

This group is full!

Ditch the diaper bag, take a break from the kids, and come to Greenberries to connect with a group of like-minded women who are ready to laugh, get real, and support each other with the most common struggles of early motherhood.

Through discussion, self-reflection and inspiring activities, you will learn realistic strategies to maintain your sanity and reconnect with YOU while enjoying this crazy journey of motherhood!

Join our focused meet-up group targeted toward creating more joy for the MOM!

6 sessions will be held from 7:30-9:00 every other week

Starting October 6^th and ending December 15th

Session 1: Becoming Mom: Your pregnancy and birth story

Session 2: Letting go of GUILT, anger and resentment of self and others

Session 3: Accepting changes you can’t control-changing what you can

Session 4: Self-Care is not a luxury!

Session 5: Who am I in addition to “Mom?” Creating your new identity

Session 6: Getting clear on what you want: Setting goals and intentions

$10 for individual drop-in sessions (pre-registration required)

$40 for all 6-session pre-registration required by September 29^th

*Includes weekly pdf. file of activity and self-reflection

Q and A

Q: I am not local to Baltimore/DC, but this sound great! How can I get involved?

A: If you are interested in doing this workshop via teleconference, please email me with your contact information and what days/times will work for you. I will create a list and start an addtional group if we have enough interest.

Q: Why is this workshop so cheap?

A: I have taken a culmination of the common concerns and frustrations from my clients and have written a workbook. This group will be a pilot of the very first group to use the material. The cost of this workshop will go up to $150 after this first go around.

Q: Is this group geared toward working moms? Stay at home moms? New Moms? Experienced Moms?

A: Yes, yes, yes and yes! This group is for any woman who feels like she has neglected her own needs since becoming a mother. This opportunity is perfect for women who want to reconnect with who they are and are ready to make some realistic changes to create a more joyful life.

Q: What are the exact dates of this workshop?

A: October 6, 20, November 3, 17, December 1 and 15

Q: Can I come to just the topics that interest me?

A: Yes, you can pay a drop in fee of $10 a session or pay $40 in advance for all 6 sessions. Pre-registration is required either way.

Q: Will I receive any materials or written information about the workshop?

A: Yes, you will receive an electronic version of the workbook so you can go at your own pace.

Q: Can I purchase the workbook if I can't attend the group?

A: Yes, the workbook purchased separately is $15.

Q: Can I bring my child/children?

A: This is your time to be YOU, away from your kids. You will get more out of the group if you give your undivided attention, I do understand that emergencies happen, so babies on laps are welcome. NO TURBO TODDLERS PLEASE!!!

Q: I am very busy, how much "extra work" is expected from this group.

A: On our "off" weeks you can work on the activities from your workbook. You can read and reflect, or journal. Once in a while you will have a homework assignment (ex. a date by yourself). The amount of time you put into this workshop is entirely up to you.

Q: Are there any rules to the group?

A: We can talk more about this as a group, but my 2 big rules are what is said in the group stays in the group and it is a zero judgement zone!

Q: Can we make this like a Mom's night out and have drinks and munchies?

A: Absolutely! BYOB of choice

Q: Sign me up, I'm ready to go! How do I pay?

A: You can pay vial Pay Pal (I will send you an invoice) or write a check to My Mama Mojo.

If you would like more detailed information, have interest in joining a future daytime group, or are ready to reserve your spot on October 6th, please contact me at (301) 717-7731 or heather@mymamamojo.com

Hello Big Yellow School Bus

2011-09-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

It has been a LONG summer! I have been the director, events planner and counselor for “Camp Mommy” for 9 weeks and 4 challenging days. Yup, just the three of us ALL SUMMER LONG. I have done a lot of soul searching over the past 6 ½ years and have come to terms with the fact that as much as I would like to be, I am not the stay at home type. I just don’t like it. I have tried the stay at home thing, the working full-time gig and the part-time schedule. Hands down, I am just not happy when I stay home with my kids. As much as I value a parent who stays home, it brings out the worst in me. I have embraced who I am and let the guilt go about that one. In owning who I am as a mother and woman, I found that when I work outside the home for pay, upon returning home I am more present, I have more patience and I value my children in a way that I just can’t muster up when I am home with them everyday-day after day.

So what the hell was I thinking this summer??!!!

Let me explain…In addition to being a life coach, I work part-time as a school counselor-so I was “off” a good bit this summer. I only work a handful of days at my counseling job when school is out- and June, July and August are traditionally very slow months for helping professionals. I didn’t plan on making much money this summer and just couldn’t justify sending my 4 and 6 year old to camp when I was home and not earning any money.

Although terrified at the thought of all this time at home, I dove right in to the summer with elaborate camp schedules, sticker charts and even played “school” 5x a week. The kids loved it! They were buying into the behavior charts, getting a kick out of playing school and were listening to directions more then they had in months. Then weeks 3 and 4 came and I was exhausted from holding together all this structure. I am not an organized, “tight ship” kind of person and all this planning and consistency was killing me slowly. As the days went on, I was less enthusiastic, scheduled school time was sporadic and the fighting and whining began (and never stopped). When the kids fight, it is the fastest way for me to loose my patience and NOT enjoy my time with them. I muddled through week 5 and 6 knowing that our 2 week vacation was around the corner and at least I would have backup (AKA Big Daddy). I pretty much used the sticker charts as threats instead of rewards until vacation came because I had no steam left to do it the right way. The kids had beaten me down! I was holding on to the thought of a change of scenery at the beach (because we all know the term “vacation” is used loosely when you have young children). Our trip was a fine diversion, but upon our return we had a week and a half more to go before school and work started back up for good.

These two weeks were so difficult. Swim lessons were over, most of our friends were on vacation, it was 90+ humid degrees outside, the kids were bored and I just wanted school to come already! I had an internal struggle going on with wanting to feel grateful that I have the choice to be home with my kids and that I “should” be enjoying them VS just really wanting that bus to come! My old friend, GUILT came back and I was so sad and disappointed that I couldn't be happy about this time with my kids and have some genuine fun. But I could not.

After an earthquake and no electricity for 3 days due to Hurricane Irene, school finally started (3 days latter then expected) this week. I am happy for the structure the school routine gives to my family. I like knowing that they are in a safe and stimulating environment while I am happy at work. I can now I look forward to seeing them at the end of the day instead of waking up with anxiety about the upcoming day at Camp Mommy! I am who I am, and work is a large part of my identity. Without it, I am "mom" and this role is just not all fulfilling for me. And in large dosages, I just don't feel very good at it.

I know views and perspectives vary wildly on this topic. I have friends who could never/would never stay home with their children all summer despite their working situation. I also have friends who cry every year when that big yellow school bus comes. Sometimes the tears are for the decreased time they will spending with their children, while other times it is due to the fact that they are kissing the slower pace of summer goodbye. Whatever this transition is for you, if your kids are school age you are entering a different rhythm as September has arrived.

What are you looking forward to and/or what are you sad to leave behind?

How was this summer for you?

Did you learn anything about yourself?

Yup, I got myself a coach!

2011-08-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

Enlisting the help of a robust support network makes all the difference in how you experience your journey. -Anonymous

For the past few weeks I have been feeling all jumbled with an unfocused energy. September always symbolizes new beginnings for me, and this Septmeber I have lots of ideas and visions which will improve the quality of my life-I just need some help getting there. I have been thinking of my life coach who helped me through a difficult time about a year and a half ago. Even though we haven't had any contact for many months, I debated giving her a call about half a dozen times to tell her I wanted some coaching to support me through my impending changes. And as the universe would have it... in my in-box this morning was an email from her! The power of thoughts are quite amazing sometimes! So, I am all signed up to start coaching with my warm, nurturing and butt kicking coach for the month of September.

I am super psyched and ready for the challenge of creating a better me!

My encounter with my wonderful coach lead me to think about what makes people pick up the phone or send an email asking for help. I knew I wanted support, I knew from our previous work together that she was a tremendous help, and I believe in the power of coaching. You would think a fellow coach would have picked up the phone immediately and scheduled some appointments. But, like anyone else I had excuses...it's too expensive, I don't have the time, I can figure it out on my own...bla, bla, bla! I have heard it all before from other moms and certainly from my own mouth, and you know what? I simply value my well-being and happiness far too much then to poo poo my right to feel my best.

So off I go to tune up my mojo!

Asking for help is hard! Harder for some then others. Time after time I listen to stories of other moms struggling with:
Parenting
Child care issues
Housework
Time
Organization
Identity
Weight/Health
Relationships
Career
Decisions
Happiness
Loss of passion

And yet with all of these difficulties, few ask for help. Somehow we think good moms "do it alone". This isn't true! We don't have to women-up and do it by ourselves. There are plenty of people to help you, you just have to make the commitment to yourself and reach out. Whether you are in need of a life coach, personal trainer, cleaning person, your partner to pitch in more around the house, a babysitter or a child care swap with a friend...just ask! Asking for help doesn't make you any less of a woman, it makes you a women who takes care of her needs!

You deserve to be happy and EVERYONE (no matter how together they seem) needs a bit of support from time to time.

Under water!

2011-08-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

I am quite aware my last post was many weeks ago. I try to keep up with this thorn in my side blog every two weeks, but this summer... not so much. If you come here for laughs, mojo tips and inspiration, I will get it together here in a week or so. Until then, my first priority (after my adoring family, necessary self-care and my rock star clients) is the 17 piles of laundry, shopping for school supplies, starting the year at my new school as a part-time counselor and going through my 300+ emails that accumulated during my two week vacation. I will be back with some regularity and pep in my step...but probably not for a few more weeks. Oh..and my next post? I will be brainstorming a new name and concept for vacationing with young children!

Vacations sure ain't what the used to be!

Thanks for sticking with me

Cleanse Anyone?

2011-07-27T12:12:00.000-07:00

Eating clean can be hard. Throw in a couple of kids, a meat and potato eating husband, a full time job and a chaotic schedule in the mix... it becomes overwhelming. Like anything else, with a strong commitment and the proper support it is not only possible, but easier then you may think.

I consider myself a healthy eater. I have a been a vegetarian for 20 years and have recently been moving toward a vegan diet. I make it a priority to eat clean, non-processed foods, but from time to time I slip up. I don't slip up inhaling a hamburger, but by letting my sweet tooth and my busy schedule get the best of me. Before I sat down to write this post, my stomach growled and I knew I had 40 minutes until my kids were counting on me to do an activity with them. In an attempt to squelch my hunger and keep an eye on the time, I didn't take 15 minutes to make something healthy, but I grabbed a few cookies! Now I am sitting here, still hungry... wondering why I let my moment of weakness get the best of me.

Get my drift? We have all been there.

What better time to recommit to eating clean then the end of summer? Have you pigged out on vacation? Attended too many BBQ? Drank too many fruity drinks in the sun? If so...I would love for you to join me in this...

OH SO GOOD FOR YOU CHALLENGE!

A dear client of mine turned me on to Baltimore Health Coach. Although this company is based in Baltimore, all of their cleanses, classes and workshops are on-line and accessible anywhere. They have tons of cool programs I am just starting to learn about as I just signed on as a member today.

I have been challenged to take their 7 day cleanse starting August 15th.

Game on!

What exactly is a cleanse?

Cleanses come in all sorts of varieties, but Baltimore Health Coach's cleanse is gentle and doable. The cleanse I will partake in will eliminate:

Sugar & Sweets
Flour & Dairy
Caffeine & Alcohol
Soy, Corn & Gluten

Along with my commitment to the $149.00 cleanse, I will receive 3 weeks of support including:

Menus, recipes and detailed instruction
1-on-1 phone coaching sessions
Group conference call

- Call #1: Preparation

   - Call #2: Mid-Cleanse Support
              - Call #3: Completion
              - Call #4: Transition

Optional In-person potluck
Online forum & Facebook group for Q&A

I am psyched to get started on the cleanse and to jump right into this existing community of health experts. I think this may be just what I need to keep me moving in a positive and holistically healthy direction.

P.S. Baltimore Health Coach recommends that anyone doing the cleanse offer up something publicly if they don't complete it. It should be something uncomfortable if I should have to do it. He gave an example of publicly announcing I would donate money to a politician I despise. That didn't really do it for me, but I am having trouble coming up with something that feels inspiring.

Any suggestions? I am game for some high stakes...because I will complete this 7 day cleanse and LOVE IT!!!

Anyone else want to come along?

Because I believe in this (and I want some company) I will throw in a 50 minute complimentary session for anyone who joins the challenge with me!

Who is jumping in?

What exactly is self-care anyway?

2011-07-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

When I refer to self-care I had always assumed that people knew what I was talking about- until recently. Last week, I facilitated a coaching workshop with a Mom's Group in Baltimore. As the topic of self-care came up, one of the woman stopped the discussion to ask what exactly self-care was. She went on to say that it was a topic she had only heard of recently but didn't understand exactly what IT was. Was self-care brushing your teeth? Getting a massage? Maintaining a health weight?

Yes, yes and yes!

You often hear me (and other helping professionals) talking about the importance of self-care. You absolutely MUST take care of yourself if you are in a care-taking role. Nourishing yourself first will ensure that you are in the proper physical and emotional space to be the best mother, wife, friend, career woman, daughter and sister that you can possibly be. Without self-care, you will quickly run out of steam, become "snappy," resentful and down right exhausted. You will lose your mojo!

So let's back up a bit...

What exactly is self-care anyway?

In my mind self-care is broken into two distinct parts:
-Basic self-care
-Soulful self-care

Basic self-care are all the tasks associated with making sure that you are well taken care of physically. These very basic things that you haven't given much thought about all of your life until you are stretched beyond belief as a mother and find them difficult to fit in. As I think about this list I chuckle, because as basic as they are, many a days I went without as mother of young children.
-Showering
-Brushing your hair
-Brushing teeth (flossing is optional for your first year of motherhood)!
-Proper nutrition (puffs and mac-n-cheese don't count)
-Exercise (even if it is a walk or a few push-ups and sit-ups)
-Annual pap smears
-Regular dental and vision check ups
-Regular physical exams
-Adequate sleep
-Staying on top of any medical issues

Soulful Self-Care is different from person to person. This type of self-care is unique to your needs and preferences. First, you must figure out what it is that feeds your soul. What makes you feel relaxed, inspired, peaceful and happy? Having trouble remembering? Has it been that long? Think back to your pre-mom days...what did you do with your "me time?" What do you enjoy so much that you lose track of time? Are you an introvert who finds comfort in curling up on the couch with a good book? Are you an extrovert who thrives on meeting friends for a night out on the town? Still having trouble? The possibilities are endless, but try scanning this list and pay attention to any response your body is giving you. What feels good to you?

-Massage/Mani/Pedi
-Yoga
-Mediation
-Fixing your hair/make-up/wearing clothes that make you feel good
-Hiking/Biking/Swimming
-Team sports/gym/fitness
-Reading/Writing
-Social events
-Date night
-Music
-Dancing
-Happy hour
-Creativity/Art/Photography
-Learning a new skill/hobby
-Bubble baths
-Travel
-Spirituality
-Volunteer work
-Cooking
-Animals
-Other ideas???

Whatever it is that strikes your fancy, do it, and do it often. I know it is hard to fit in, I know there will be guilt associated with taking the time to do it. But it is an absolute must. You need to frequently step away from your duties as a mother to reconnect with who you are as a woman. These breaks will give you a fresh perspective on all other aspects of your life and responsibilities. Make it a priority to fill your tank so you can continue to be the best YOU possible. Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint, and you need to be in your best, tip- top shape to complete your journey (so you are not completely breathless and collapsing before the finish line)!

What can you incorporate into your life this week even if it is small scale to start? Put it on the calender and treat it as any other non-negotiable appointment.

Happy YOU!

Come visit me at The Still Point!

2011-07-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

For the month of July, The Still Point Mind Body Wellness Spa is offering 30 minute complimentary coaching session so you can come see what it is all about. Have you been curious about coaching? Now is a great time to come check it out! You can call the spa directly to make your appointment.

Not in the Baltimore/DC area? No problem. All phone coaching is 20% off for the months of July and August.

See (or talk) to you soon!

Warmly,

Heather

I am guilty of judging another mom

2011-06-21T12:11:00.000-07:00

It happened not too long ago. I was invited to a local Mom's group to facilitate a mini workshop for a Mom's night out. As the guests were arriving, the room was filled with chatting, snacking and welcome hugs. In walked one of the most comfortable looking moms I may have ever seen. She was wearing her baby in a wrap, dressed casually and kind of "crunchy". She was pretty without trying. I watched her slink around the room smiling and talking to the other moms. She was so confident in her skin. She was very in tuned with her baby, and seemed to know how to soothe the smallest of whimpers.

She was the type of mom I often refer to as "Earth Mama". The kind of mom that makes the rest of us feel bad, because they do it so much better. She was the exact type of mom I wished I could have been to my babies. She was the exact kind of mom who made me feel intimidated and unsure of myself as a new mother. She had it all together and this vision took me right back to my hot mess as a new mom. My eyes stung with jealousy.

I remember thinking to myself in a very judgey sort of way...what is she doing coming to a night of coaching for moms? She is going to make all the other moms clam up. Who is going to want to confess their imperfections when there was one of her in the room. She looks like she could be the one running the group, I could surely learn a thing or two from her...

Judge Judge Judge

After the mingling, we gathered and sat in the circle of chairs. The women went around one by one talking about what had inspired them to come to the workshop. Some said the wine, others were excited to get away from the kids...but this mom who had it all completely shocked me.

With tears in her eyes this "Earth Mom" began to tell the story of her complicated and painful situation. The room was stunned and silent as we listened to her peel back the layers of what had become years of a stress filled and lonely life since having children.

I was embarrassed of my previous thoughts.

I thought I knew better then to judge another mom.

I am always the one who writes and talks about how we are all struggling in some way. I over emphasis the importance of being kind to each other, and I encourage women to get the conversations going- to be the first one to get real about the challenges of motherhood. Here I had judged this mom unfairly and incorrectly. If she were not a part of this workshop, I would have never started a heart -to- heart conversation with her because I thought I knew her type.

Apparently not.

I felt so overridden with guilt that I couldn't go on with the workshop without coming clean to the group about what was going on with me. I confessed my judgey thoughts to the circle. A few other women in the group had the same perception of this mom and apologized for not offering her help and/or their friendship. They thought she had it all together and didn't need anything.

We all came away from this experience with a meaningful lesson. This was a powerful reminder that what we see on the outside isn't necessarily what is going on in the inside. It is not only important for us to speak our truths so others may hear and acknowledge us, but it is equally important for us to ask the tough questions of our friends and fellow moms, so we can support them.

Don't assume a mom is OK just because she looks like she is.

Don't smile and say your are doing great if you are not.

Don't compare yourself to your perception of another mom.

Take off the masks and get real.

It is only through honesty that healing and happiness will come.

When you just don't like your kid

2011-06-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, my mom often told us, "You always love your kids, but you don't always like them." I never understood what she was talking about-and never gave it much thought because I figured she was talking about my sister, not me.

I get it mom!

I do not like my daughter right now...at all! She has been rude, bossy, disrespectful, demanding, whiny and downright a PILL! She has been all these things- but also acting helpless, weak and needy all at the same time. It is as if the world revolves around her, and no one else matters. She wants what she wants, and throws a fit when she doesn't get it. YUCK!!!

If this kid belonged to someone else, I would think she was a complete brat, and try to withhold judgement about what type of parenting (or lack thereof) that was going on at home. I admit, I haven't been the ideal parent with her lately, and take my share credit for the negativity in the house. I am worn down from correcting, redirecting and modeling appropriate ways of speaking. So, I am sarcastic right back. I have been short tempered, and have been praising her brother like crazy (because in my house if you aren't being the "bad one" you work extra hard at being an angel because my kids are incredibly competitive).

I can't help it, I just don't like her behavior. I angers me! I don't yell at my kids, I never demean them or disrespect them-and I have zero tolerance when they do it to me, or anyone else for that matter. My husband says he is moving out when she is 16, as he sees this as a preview for ugliness between us that is yet to come.

She is six.

I know this too shall pass, and she is going through some difficult phase that I would rather never repeat-EVER. But there will be other phases-with her and with her brother. All I can do now is love her. Love her through this ugliness, and love myself and my imperfections when I don't respond like I am suppose to. We will get through this, and I will like her again. I know this to be true...

because my mom likes my sister (and me)!

Bringing back your Mojo Podcast

2011-06-01T04:03:00.000-07:00

April Perry, the Co-Founder of The Power of Moms, invited me to a podcast focused on the importance of having an identity and interests other then being "Mom". Thanks for having me April! Be sure to check out The Power of Moms site for amazing articles, sanity saving activities, and upcoming events such as; retreats and Mom Circle Groups in your area!

Do you ever feel empty, unsatisfied, or like something is missing? Do you feel guilty because you have a good life, but you are always looking for more? Are you under the impression that being a mom should fill and complete you . . . but it doesn’t? That’s okay! You’re in good company.

After having children, many women come to the realization that they need to be fulfilled in all areas of their life, not just the part that answers to “Mom.” Don’t get us wrong, being a mom is great, and we love our kids, but that doesn’t mean we can’t love other things too!

There’s no reason to feel down, drained or disappointed when you have a whole community of moms ready to support you as you become the mother (and person) you most want to be.

Whether you’re a new mom struggling to figure out where your pre-mom self has gone, a mom whose children have become a bit more independent, or a mom whose suddenly discovered that her “empty nest” is feeling too empty, we invite you to join April Perry, co-founder of The Power of Moms, and Heather Sobieralski, of My Mama Mojo Life Coaching for moms, as they discuss what feeds their passions–along with tips and tricks for bringing back your mojo and creating a life you love!

Listen to the podcast.

(And one little clarification by April: In the podcast, I was discussing how the development of our specific talents can be helpful to other people, and I listed music as one of my talents that isn’t very serviceable. Please understand that I was only referring to MY lack of talent in that area. Musical talents are a beautiful gift to the world. Thanks!)

Finding Your Definition of Mommy

2011-05-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

Finding Your Definition of Mommy

Lately, I have been having similar conversations with numerous moms. They all have one thing in common- they think they are failing as moms. They feel like somehow they are missing the "mom gene" that makes them enjoy their role as a mother. I see shame on their faces, embarrassment in their eyes, hesitation in their voices, and they almost always apologize for their "nasty thoughts". As these women are choking on their confessions, I can't help but want to shout out..."DO YOU KNOW HOW NORMAL THIS IS?"

Almost every mother doubts herself-and how well she is doing the mommy thing.

The Perfect Mom

Why do we carry around this unrealistic image of the "Sally Sunshine Mom" enjoying every moment of her perfectly organized, always smiling-Kodak ready life with her adorable (and clean) children? I hate that woman! She ruins it for all of us! But the good news is that I don't think that woman actually exists-or at least I have never met her. I know women who look like they have it all together, but give them a few glasses of wine and a chance to vent-and all of their insecurities come gushing out!

One thing being a life coach for moms has cured me of is mother envy. We all do it...look at the mom who always looks great, arrives on time with well behaved children in toe, and never raises her voice (and still has time to shave her legs and put on a cute outfit). We then reflect inward and think...what am I doing wrong? She makes it look so easy and enjoyable, and I suck at it! Well... do you want to know a little secret? That woman has issues too!!! Many of my coaching clients are these well put together- high functioning women who just can't keep up with the facade anymore. When they finally let out their hair down and ask for help- they can finally breathe! These "perfect moms" sometimes hate their husbands, want to quit their jobs, sell their kids on eBay and move to the Caribbean too!

Creating YOUR Journey

The journey of motherhood is drastically different from woman to woman. There very well may be the Sally Sunshines of the world, (although I don't know any up close and personal) but this is not the only definition of a mother. When I dig a little deeper with women, I start to hear a disconnect about what they think they "should be doing" versus their core values as a woman. The happiest moms I know are the ones who define their roles and expectations based on what is important to them-not the perceived stereotype of a "good mom". I just betcha you would start enjoying it more if you make the rules according to what is important to YOU!!!

What if you gave yourself permission to define motherhood on your terms?

What if you took all of your expectation of what you think a mom "should be" and threw them out the window of your hot mama mini van?

What is really meaningful to YOU as a mother?

Where do you want to spend your time and energy?

What does your new definition look like?

How does it feel just thinking about it?

Sally Sunshine sucks, and you ROCK!!!

Mom's Night Out

2011-05-02T03:57:00.000-07:00

MOM'S NIGHT OUT

Join us for a well deserved mom's night out every Thursday, starting on May 12th from 7:00-8:30 at Greenberries, Columbia's upscale, eco-chic children's and maternity consignment shop!

Come as you are, ready to chat, connect, and be inspired! May 12th is free! The rest of the session is only $50, including workshops on May 19th, 26th and June 2nd. Space is limited, and registration is required.

The first years of motherhood are filled with extreme emotions. Riding this roller coaster of elation, exhaustion, chest bursting love, and frustration (or perhaps some buyers remorse), can make any new mother doubt herself, and her abilities as a mom. Come connect with other real moms in a judgment free zone. Join in some honest discussion-and learn that you are not alone (even if everyone else seems to be smiling through it)!

Carve out some much needed time to reflect on what is working in your life, and what is not. Learn to accept (or maybe embrace) the changes in your life in which you have no control, and prioritize and set goals for those you intend to improve. Find confidence in your parenting philosophies, and decision to work or stay home. Having this support during the early years is invaluable in not just keeping you sane, but enabling you to thrive!

Moms' night out will be facilitated by Heather Sobieralski, the founder of My Mama Mojo. Heather is a counselor, a certified professional life coach, and mom of two spirited young children of her own. She is passionate about keeping motherhood real, stimulating rich and thought provoking discussions, and thinking outside the diaper bag. My Mama Mojo supports moms to live more joyful, mojo filled lives by offering individual coaching, group support, and workshops. Reconnect with YOU, and learn to thrive a woman and mom. www.mymamamojo.com

To register for your spot, please stop by Greenberries, contact heather@mymamamojo.com or rachel@greenberriescompany.com by May 16th..

Our kids want us to be happy

2011-04-21T05:22:00.000-07:00

I have just come out of a FUNK! This funk was B-A-D! It was a culmination of my perfect storm, the long winter-leading into the dark and rainy spring, falling on my face from an experiment to expand my business, and my husband being in pain, resulting in surgery. I have not been this down since suffering from PPD with the birth of my first child. While I was in this latest funk, I knew I was feeling depressed, but couldn't not seem to shake it. All I knew was that I couldn't stand myself, my husband, my children, my dog or the tornado of toys and muddy paws that that are constantly taking over my house. I was annoyed with everyone and everything. I had no energy, no mojo, and nothing positive to say. I also couldn't figure out why my 4 and 6 year old had been behaving so badly for the last month...until my funk went away.

Yesterday was the best day I have had with my family in...gosh, I can't even remember. We didn't "do" anything yesterday. It was cold and rainy (yet again) and we stayed inside all day. Yet, my children did what I asked them to do, they were loving toward each other, they were playful, and the mood was light and fun. I couldn't get enough of them. I gave them extra hugs, I stared at their adorable faces intently while they spoke, and was actually a bit disappointed when it was bedtime (did I actually just write that)? My children noticed the difference in me as well. Throughout the day I was told, "I like your face when you smile, you are so fun, and I love when you play with me." I was also gifted countless giggles, grins and cuddles by both kiddos. Why? Because I was happy. I was fully present, my energy was positive, and I was enjoying them for the first time in a month...and they felt it.

Of all the things we think our children need-of all the things we "do" for them, what they really need is for us to be happy!

Now that I am officially out of this funk, I can so clearly see that my mood directly impacted the climate of my household. The saying 'If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy' certainly was born from a mom in a funk. Our children (and partners) look to our mood, tone and facial expressions to set the pace for the day. It is unfair pressure, but it is true. Try a day with and without smiles and see the difference in your family.

I know I have neglected myself for the last month. I haven't exercised, no reading, no alone time, no pampering, no hobbies, no romance...I was a very BAD coaching client! I did absolutely no self-care, and of course it made my mood worse. This experience of mine made me reflect on all the moms out there who may not necessarily be in a funk, but are not taking care of themselves because of guilt, lack of time or energy, or they just don't know where to start. It reaffirms that our children (and partners) need us to be happy. You are clearly not the only one who benefits from your self care-your children and partner will thank you too! It is not a luxury to take care of yourself, it is an absolute necessity!

What are you going to do this week to make yourself happy?

Enter to win some complimentary coaching!

2011-04-21T05:17:00.000-07:00

My Mama Mojo has officially been in business for 1 year! What started as a small, part-time phone coaching business has turned into so much more...and the best is yet to come! To celebrate my birthday, I am raffling some complementary coaching away. If you are one of the lucky winners, you can decide if you want a space in an upcoming group workshop (for local Mamas) or four, 30 minutes of individual phone coaching.

Sounds great! Sign me up!

All you have to do is comment on this blog post. Tell me (in as few or as many words as you like) why you are committed and ready to making some positive changes in your life to create more joy or bring back your mojo! If you comment anonymously, please send me a private email so I have your contact info for the drawing.

On Thursday, April 28th I will do it the old fashioned way by pulling 2 names out of a hat...or maybe a left over Easter basket.

I will contact the 2 lucky winner and ask their preference (workshop or individual coaching)!

Thanks for playing and good luck!

Spring cleaning of the mind

2011-04-07T06:41:00.000-07:00

As I am bagging up the kids' well worn clothes, packing up the random neglected toys, tackling the junk in the corners of my house, and cleaning the dirt off my windows-I am struck at how symbolic all this spring cleaning is for me. Over the winter, I am a bit of a hibernator. The cold weather hurts my bones and darkens my spirit. I go to the gym less, I socialize infrequently, and I find the overall "blahs" hard to shake. As the weather is warming up, and the sun is starting to shine, I am thinking about what a perfect time to spring clean (not just your physical space), but your mind, body and spirit as well.

What "junk" do you need to get rid of? Are you holding on to limiting beliefs? Have you been self sabotaging yourself? Have you been procrastinating based on fear, self doubt...or perhaps plain old laziness? Are you blaming motherhood for why you can't make any changes in your life? Are you ready to shake the blahs and bring back your MOJO?

As the clouds begin to part, the vitamin D is soaking in your skin, and beauty is blooming all around you-take this time of new beginnings to evaluate your own need to spring clean. Perhaps you just need a minor dusting or maybe a complete overhaul-but wherever you are is the perfect place to start.

Happy cleaning!

Getting off track

2011-03-24T18:25:00.000-07:00

I have been a vegetarian for nearly 20 years. Off and on I have tried to go completely vegan, this goal usually lasts about a week before I just give in and resume eating dairy. During the last few months I have notices my clothes getting tighter and my body putting on some weight, particularly around my middle. I already eat a relatively healthy diet and the only other thing I could think of was to eliminate all animal products for good. Over the past several years I have desired to live animal free, but found that I just couldn't sustain it. I want to be as healthy as possible, and free from contributing to animal cruelty, but I have had a hard time giving up the freedom of processed foods (which all have some trace of egg or cheese in them). I always blow it about 9 days in and go back to my dairy eating ways.

This time I intend for it to stick!

The good news is that I have maintained a 99% vegan diet for about a month...OK I had Chipotle and I know they have butter in their rice...but I was almost perfect! My pants are fitting better, I have more energy and my consciousness is clean. I was am really proud of myself.

So imagine this evening how I am feeling knowing that I consumed 2 munchkins after lunch and 3 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies after dinner. Damn!

When we get off track or deviate from our goal we can feel defeated and want to give up. Why can't we just acknowledge we had a moment (or a day/week/month) of weakness, that we messed up and set a new intention? Before I was even finished with my first cookie, I knew what I was going to do-enjoy every bite and start again tomorrow!

Think about your intentions...

What are you working on?
What goals do you have in place?
What structure do you set for when you mess up and don't obtain perfection?
Does it have to be all or nothing?
Can you cut yourself some slack?
Are you ready to pick up where you left off?
What level of support do you need?

With you in your journey!

New! BREATHE:Group Coaching for Moms...

2011-03-19T18:39:00.000-07:00

My Mama Mojo is thrilled to offer group coaching!

Teaching moms how to listen to their hearts, quiet their minds, and thrive as women and moms! Tame the chaos, sort priorities, and feel more joy while raising your kids. You'll come away energized, refreshed, validated, and ready to tackle your many roles with new eyes and positive perspectives.

Join me once a week, for 8 weeks and learn to Breathe again with:

l Tips and tricks for the 7 critical items on the keep-mom-sane checklist

l A supportive group environment

l Real and honest dialogue

l Individual goal setting

l Specific coaching on the tough questions

You'll get your own detailed Breathe Mom, Breathe! workbook (.pdf format) to follow, with loads of worksheets, tips, lists, and goodies to keep you on motivated. It will keep you on track even if you have to miss a session for some reason.

Sign up now, spots are limited and will go quickly! Classes are capped at 12 participants, ensuring that each of you get individual attention and real results. You owe it to yourself mama, and your family will thank you too!

The Details

l Tuesday 7-8pm OR Friday 10:30-11:30am

l Westchester Community Center, next to Historic Ellicott City

l 8 consecutive weeks starting on May3rd or May 6th

l Includes your own Breathe Mom, Breathe! workbook, sent to you prior to your first class.

l $200 per participant for 8 sessions (includes all classes and materials)

l All sessions are facilitated by Heather Sobieralski, certified life coach and counselor.

To Register

To reserve your spot, please phone Heather at (301) 717-7731 or email her at heather@mymamamojo.com to confirm availability. When you receive confirmation, you can pay via pay pal or check. Upon payment, you will receive your Breathe Mom, Breathe! workbook.

I can’t wait to get started!

Heather Sobieralski, MEd

Certified Professional Life Coach

My Mama Mojo

www.mymamamojo.com

Faking motherhood

2011-03-11T07:44:00.000-08:00

I love being a mom, but I don’t always enjoy the tasks and sacrifices associated with motherhood. I love my children more then I ever thought possible, but I don’t always like them. And yes, I have fantasies of running away and never returning. And you know what…millions of other women feel the same way, so why do we rarely talk about it?

I recognize and appriciate the minority of women out there who are truly gifted at motherhood. These women are gifted in the same way as those who have natural musical, academic, or athletic aptitude. Mothering innately flows from them with ease, joy and passion. It is their life purpose to care for their children. These few women will have no idea what I am talking about. For the rest of this…you know exactly what I am about to dare speak of.

Socially unacceptable

I started expressing my negative feelings of motherhood very early on in my journey (while my kids were still cooking in my uterus). Unfortunately, about the same time I started expressing these thoughts, I quickly learned that it was socially unacceptable to do so. Nothing can clear a room or silence a crowd faster then a pregnant or new mom expressing unhappiness about her new “bundle of joy,” or questioning why the hell she allowed herself to be knocked up in the first place. So what is a new mom with dark thoughts to do? Well, stuff them of course. We soon develop the socially acceptable responses that all the other smiling moms have. You know the ones:

I just love being a mother.
I am blessed with such a good baby.
Yes, I am a little tired-but isn’t it all worth it?
I am enjoying every moment.
I’ve never been happier.
I am happy to get up in the middle of the night just to smell my baby.
I’m so lucky that my husband is great with the baby.
My children have brought my husband and I closer then ever.
I could just breast feed all day.
I can’t wait to have another one.

You’ve heard these statements. You have probably even spoken these untruths. We learn very early on that we have to talk like the rest of the moms to feel like a “normal” member of the motherhood society. We look around and see all the shiny happy faces and deduct that we must be some sort of a genetic defect of a woman since we don't feel the same way. If everyone is enjoying themselves and feels fulfilled as a mother, then we must be missing the maternal gene, instinct, or whatever it is that makes us supposed to "fall madly in love” with our babies and never have a cross thought. If this is true, then we must not let anyone discover our defect-so we fake it. This is exactly how the cycle of silence begins.

I want to blast the roof off this secret of motherhood!

It is my passion and life purpose to get people talking about the secret of motherhood disappointment, stress, and lack of fulfillment. I know what internalizing these scary feelings did to me, and I am bound and determined to educate every woman I can, so they can speak their truth, own their experience, and define motherhood on their terms (despite the plastered grins around them). I am not the only one on this bandwagon. I have read just about every book on this topic, and they all say the same thing-the vast majority of mothers with young children are overwhelmed, disappointed, stressed and suffering from adjustment issues directly related to their new roles. Yet, we rarely talk about it. When data is collected anonymously, the truth come out.

Recently on a social networking site, a new mom posted about her frustrations and conflicts she was having with her spouse. I was outraged to see that she was blasted, by other mothers about how she should be thankful for what she had. This “beat up” mom posted an APOLOGY the next day and thanked her “friends” for shedding new light and a positive perspective for her. Bullshit! I was so sadden by this display, and disturbed on so many levels.

This new mom reached out with heartfelt honest, and got slammed for it.
This is one more case of a mom sucking it up and feeling guilty because nobody else dare admit that it sometimes sucks for her too.
It perpetuates the cycle of silence… “I must be the only one” mentality lives on.
I full heartedly believe that many cases of postpartum depression can be prevented if new mothers felt supported to feel, own, and speak their truths.

I publicly posted about how brave this new mom was for venting- and bravo to her for owning her experience. Most importantly, I told her that she owed no apologies and to continue to feel whatever it was that she was feeling. She was thankful for the support, but I bet she won’t be so honest in her posts or in her future conversations. One more mom joins the secret smile society. Not only was I disappointed to see this public display of forced conformity, but it hit a personal nerve with me as well. I was blasted a while back when I posted a piece titled, The worst parenting advice I ever receive d, on one of my favorite sites, Sane Moms. I angered another mother who lost her child and thought I should be thankful for mine. My first reaction was of complete and total guilt. She was right, here I am bitching about my perfectly healthy baby who is screaming her head off and I am about to lose my fucking mind-and this woman’s house is completely quiet because her baby died. I was stymied for days and the layers of guilt piled on one by one. All those feelings of 'what the hell is wrong with me' came flooding back-until I realized we had two completely different realities. Neither was right or wrong, but different. I had no reason to feel guilty, and she had every right to feel pissed by my post. I am so thankful for what I have, but I am allowed to bitch about what is difficult for me, and so are you! Whatever you are feeling is YOUR reality, and nobody can deny it or take it away. Yes, someone always has it worse, and at the end of the day it is of the utmost importance that you practice gratitude and appreciation. But in the moment, it is your feeling, your frustration, and your guilt that you have every right to feel, own, and speak it out loud. It is only when you own these feelings that you can begin to look at what is working in your life, what is not- and start to define motherhood on your terms.

Let us break down the walls of silence and conformity to 'smile through your overwhelm' one mom at a time.

Will you join me in the advice I give to new mothers?

May you pop that baby out and fall madly in love. May your transition into motherhood be one of ease and pure bliss. My wish is for you to “enjoy every moment.” But if you don’t, you are a real mother. May you have the courage to feel your frustration, the strength to speak it, and the openness to allow others to support you.

One hell of a week!

2011-03-04T07:46:00.000-08:00

One hell of a week!

I have had the kind of week that makes me want to crawl up in a little ball and never come out. As my rotten week comes to an end, I am reflecting on-and digesting all that has happened, and where to go from here.

What was so bad?

One week ago, I called my OBGYN to hear the results of my lab work. The nurse on the other end struggled to find the words to tell me that I was in full-blown menopause. Yup, that’s right, my eggs are dried up at the rip old age of 37. To make matters worse, since I am so young, they have a much more “comforting” term-“premature ovarian failure”. Gee, thanks…it’s always good to be a failure. Well, like any 37-year-old premature menopausal woman, I took to my bed and cried for hours.

I am still not sure what to do with this information.

The next day while I was out of town at a 40^th birthday party for my sister-in-law, I received a phone call that my grandmother had died. The rest of the week was spent out of town, away from my husband and children at her services…emoting all over the place.

As if I wasn’t drained enough from the wacky hormones…

As I came back to town, kissed my husband hello and goodbye before he went on a 5-day trip, I went to work and was told that my position was cut (my part-time counseling job-you know, the one that gives our family the benifits and helps pays the bills).

Total depletion!

How am I doing?

We all have our coping strategies, some healthier then others. My tendency is to retreat. I like to be alone, curl up, eat comfort foods and go to bed early. I did a lot of these activities this week. My hibernation however can’t go on forever, and a few days of pouting is about all I can manage before the house falls apart. When things get crappy and the “poor me” time is over, I ask myself two questions:

1) What do I have control over?

2) What do I have no control over?

If I can’t control it, I allow myself to grieve, and I let it go.

My hormone levels
My grandmother’s death
The loss of my job

If I have control over it, I get in motion to do something about it.

How I respond and treat my hormone levels
How I decide to keep my grandmother’s memory alive
How I start looking for another job

In any situation or hand we are dealt, we decide our response. We decide how and for how long we grieve, how and when we pull ourselves together, and our next steps for creating change.

I am done crying about my failing eggs.
My grandmother’s memory will live on throughout my life.
I will get my butt in gear and figure out what to do about this job situation.

What are you struggling with? Did you allow yourself to grieve? How long are you going to pout? What choices do you have to make in creating some positive change?

With you every step of the way!

What are you missing?

2011-02-25T06:58:00.000-08:00

What are you missing?

I love sharing client success stories. I am working with a woman now who is just ROCKING IT!!!! She contacted me about six weeks ago because she was feeling tired, irritable, wanted a career change, and realized that her current reality wasn’t working for her.

After learning a bit more about this full time working mom with three small children, I quickly realized that she had no outlets or joy in her life other then spending time with her children. YES, our children our lovely…but they can’t fulfill every aspect of our complex lives as women.

We started to explore what she was missing about her pre-mom self. What was it that made her feel alive, relaxed, passionate and happy? This rock star client dove right in rattling off things she used to love, and no longer incorporated into her life.

We developed a plan to bring back these activities. With her new responsibilities and time constraints as a mom, she had to be creative about how and where she could plug in these missing parts-but she did it!

Six weeks later, I speak to an upbeat and energized woman who is now ready to start working on a career change as she is now feeling centered and balanced instead of exhausted and negative.

You are so much more then a mom, an employee and a wife. You have your own goals, dreams and working realities to create. You will be so much better at all of your roles when you take self-care and your identity as a woman as seriously as you do your role as a mother!

Your cupcakes don't need to be homemade

2011-02-15T17:58:00.000-08:00

If you follow my writing, or have ever received coaching from me, you have often heard me refer to "getting aligned with your priorities and values." You may also catch me lovingly poking fun at moms who make perfect homemade cupcakes (symbolic of over-achieving moms who try to do everything and make the rest of us look bad)!

A wonderful real life example came to mind this week, and I wanted to share it with you.

My kids were psyched to come home and show me all of their Valentine treats they received yesterday. Most of the contents in the bags were store bought Valentine cards- with perhaps a pencil or piece of candy attached to it. My kids each brought home a few goodie bags, and a couple of homemade cards. The one that really stood out was 3 handmade paper flowers assembled in a bouquet, with bows and tissue paper. Wow... and to think she gave this gift to 20+ kids in the class. Seeing the contents in my kids' bags prompted me to ask the following question on My Mama Mojo Facebook Page:

What kind of mom are you?
A) Made homemade Valentine cards or goodies for every child in your kid's class.
B) Attached a cute pencil or candy to a store bought Valentine.
C) Handed the store bought Valentine card to your child and let them figure out what to do with it
D) Forgot or opted out

The responses I received ranged from a self proclaimed "annoying over-achiever who made damn cute Valentine's"- to a mom who handed her kids paper, markers and scissors.

And do you know what???? It is all OK. What isn't OK, is doing something out of guilt, expectations or competition. If making homemade goodies for your child's classmates is fun for you-then great, do it! If it is a chore or something you think you "should do", then ditch it and find something more fulfilling to do with your time.

Don't let your perceived expectations of motherhood define who you think you should be. Figure out what is important and meaningful to you and own it!

Owning Pink Children

2011-02-10T03:35:00.000-08:00

Originally published on Owning Pink

My 5 year-old daughter has been known to wear some outrageous outfits. She has always been resistant to wearing what we chose for her, or taking our input about clothing at all. We have spent many a days asking her to reconsider wardrobe choices, and trying to teach her that she need not place every hair accessory she owns on her head at the same time. A general “less is more” stylist approach I used to take. She is fondly remembered at our local grocery store for wearing snow boots and a scarf in July -- for a week straight. She often pairs multi colors and patterns that make your eyes twitch, and her general “uniqueness” of her self-styled hairdos can’t go unmentioned. After countless negotiations, embarrassing moments and argument with my husband about what we would and wouldn’t allow her to wear in public, our daughter at age 3 ½ finally looked at us and said, “Just let me be me.”

Point taken and lesson learned

I remember immediately thinking that she was right. She was wise beyond her years -- and a great example of how we learn from our children. As I pondered why it bothered me that she didn’t match and sometimes looked down right comical -- it wasn’t about her at all. It was all about me -- and how I felt it reflected on me as a mother. Somehow I used to think that if people saw her outrageous outfits that they would view me as not “in control” of my kids and that I let them do whatever they please. This is not the type of mother I wanted to be at all. I didn’t want to control my children, and I certainly didn’t want to strip their creativity and individuality. I wanted to encourage my kids to make their own choices, to think outside the box and to embrace differences in others. I was embarrassed to admit that my apprehension about letting her dress the way she wanted was out of fear of what other people thought. This was completely out of character for me -- and not something I wanted to model for my children.

On my third date with my husband I remember discussing the type of parents we would be if we ever had children. We laughed as we playfully tossed around scenarios: What if they wanted blue hair? How about if they wanted to be a multi-tattooed rock star, or wear underwear on their head? We agreed that this was all OK by us -- that we wanted to be the type of parents who celebrated our children for who they were and to teach them to own their uniqueness. I knew from this day on that he was a keeper. Reflecting on our parenting thus far, we were consistent with our parenting intention on every other level, but this one. I had to not only let this wardrobe thing go, but embrace it as a wonderful part of my daughter owning herself.

After owning this realization, I had a discussion with a close friend of mine who also has a daughter who (clearing my throat) has her own sense of style. I always admired my friend’s attitude about her daughter’s choice of clothes, so I asked for her thoughts on the subject. She shared a story with me…She too, liked to dress herself with creative flare as a child. She has fond memories of putting a lot of thought and effort into what she considered to be a beautiful outfit. She would walk down the stairs to where her father would smile, and tell her she looked beautiful. She thinks back now, and has comic relief at what she wore to school, church and parties, but one of her fondness memories is her father’s confidence in her ability to chose. To my 40 year-old friend, this is one of her greatest self esteem builders to date. Lesson learned…I had some changin’ to do!

The test

I haven’t said a word about her attire in more then two years. I was certain that upon starting kindergarten, peer pressure would influence her wardrobe choices. My theory was debunked -- and I couldn’t be more proud of her. Earlier this week I witnessed a few girls slightly older than my daughter giving her a hard time about her choice of shoes. They circled her asking repeatedly, “Why would you wear slippers to school?” When the interrogation didn’t stop, and she looked like she was going to cry, I encouraged her by saying, “This is what you choose to wear because you liked them, and thought they were comfortable. YOU DO YOU -- and rock those shoes today!” And she did! She rocked them that day and the next, and the day after that. She didn’t stop wearing them due to a little teasing. When I asked her about the incident, she only said, “I don’t care. I like being different. I am unique.” I told her she was my hero!

Three Pink cheers to our creative and confident kids… and for the parents who are teaching them to own it!

Jump outside of your comfort zone

2011-02-02T04:04:00.000-08:00

Posted originally on Owning Pink

I am the boss of my fears

I write this post literally sitting on a plane traveling across the country. To many, traveling is a common occurrence, but I have not been on a plane in three years because I hate to fly. Let me back up and tell you that I have three situations that make me horribly uncomfortable: 1) flying, 2) traveling and 3) public speaking. This weekend I am tackling all three, and I am so freaking proud of myself for getting this far.

When Lissa Rankin emailed me to inquire about my interest in a special project with her, I was honored…and super psyched! The project was right up my alley, but I had 'wrongly' assumed that I would be asked to write an experiential piece, or be interviewed via telephone for my contributions. It wasn’t until after I enthusiastically accepted -- “Sure, I would love to help out” -- that I was given the details of the project by the sponsors: a video shoot in Los Angeles…for which I would need to be physically present… in less than two weeks!

My initial enthusiasm flipped to complete terror. What had I just agreed to? The mere thought of flying made me what to throw up (literally). Impending every trip I have ever been on, the dread and sleepless nights start weeks prior to the actual departure. I am an uneasy traveler to say the least. I pack, unpack, catastrophize all the things that can go wrong -- and have a terrible sense of direction and time -- leaving me lost and chasing my tail everytime I leave for a trip. I like my creature comforts of home. Traveling sends me too far from my comfort zone and I have been known on many occasions to decline fabulous offers of travel if I had to fly or stay away from home for too long.

Although I have always received positive feedback from public speaking engagements, the task is always completed with a bundle of nerves and an almost out-of-body experience to get me through it. When I speak on camera or in front of a crowd, no amount of planning or rehersal makes a bit of difference -- as something takes over and I have no idea or control over what comes out of my mouth! So to say that embracing all three of these fears at the same time has been consuming me for the past two weeks would be an understatement. I have passed up professional growth opportunities because my discomfort was too much for me to handle. I am owning all three of these fears (at least for this weekend)!

Go with your gut

After I committed to Lissa's project, I won’t go on about all of the realistic and not so realistic thoughts I had of everything that could possibly go wrong. Let’s just say that after I had a reoccuring thought of my plane going down in the ocean and drowning leaving my widowed husband with motherless children, I set an intention to stop thinking all crazy! I was either going to apologetically decline the offer, or change my perspective about going -- because where I was currently living in fear was making me nuts! I decided to do it, and to do it completely. I thought back to my initial feeling when the opportunity presented itself. These were feelings of excitement, possibility and pride. I wanted to go back to that place. I couldn’t ignore all the fear, but I wasn’t going to let this discomfort own my decision or me. If going outside of your comfort zone wasn’t such a big and sometimes scary experience, they wouldn’t call it “outside your comfort zone”. It would be called the “warm and cozy zone”. I was damn scared, so I must be doing it right -- I took these natural feelings and started to view them as growth. I was ready to spread my wings and fly.

What works for me

I was very in-tune with this emotional journey. I thought back to previous times in my life of stretching, growing -- and yes, discomfort -- as I went outside of my comfort zone. I felt similarly as I embarked on every major milestone and life event: going away to college, moving far from my family as a young adult, getting married, career choices, starting a family, creating a business, etc. All of these events had a series of emotional triggers. The pattern, that I haven't unveiled until now, has always worked for me in the end. I love my life, I own every major decision I ever make, and I have no regrets. I must be on to something! I realize that everyone has a different decision making process and an array of coping mechanisms associated with the discomforts of getting outside of your comfort zone. In sharing my process, I hope to inspire someone else to start his or her own comfort zone challenge. Whether you are a baby toe in the water kind of person, or you zestfully jump right in the pool, you have a process that works for you. You just have to discover it.

My discovered process

Initial reaction. Go back to your first emotional response. Was it something positive? Is it still there? Would you do it if you knew you couldn’t fail? If you had a magic wand to make all the fear disappear, how would you feel about moving forward?
The “oh crap” feeling. Know that going outside of your comfort zone will elicit some negative feelings. Acknowledge them, and then debunk all of your irrational thoughts. Thank them for being a part of your journey and tell them to get lost.
Commit-Just do it! What is your heart calling you to do? Don’t just commit in your head, but tell another person, tell everyone you know. Make a payment, book your flight, register and sign your name on the dotted line -- make it hard to turn back. Keep the energy moving in a forward direction. Pretty soon, you will be owning whatever it was that made you fearful.
Work out the details as they come. After you are fully committed, details can and will be worked out. Don’t let yourself get bogged down with the details before you are fully committed, as they just add irrational reasons not to do something. Continue to move forward and the rest will figure itself out.

What would do right now if you knew you could not fail? How does it feel if you own up to the fact that growth is uncomfortable -- because you are in fact out of your comfort zone? Do you have a process for working through all the muck and owning it despite your fears?

Wishing you a limitless life, and may your fears take a good ass kicking!

Photograph is of June Meyers, skydiving at age 90 (Bing)

Heather Sobieralski

My Mama Mojo

Life Coach for Moms

Recovering from a parenting mistake

2011-01-25T03:46:00.000-08:00

Posted on Owning Pink

I made a mistake this week. It's nothing new, I make them all the time. My errors in judgment usually come when I am overly tired, I am trying to get something done (other then giving 110% to my children), or I am generally drained from a lack of self-care for the mama. My slip-ups usually come in the form of getting frustrated, raising my voice, or not following through on a consequence out of sheer exhaustion. My mistake this week was a big one though -- one that went against everything I stand for, everything I value in being all me all the time, and everything I try to teach my children about self-love.

The story

My three year-old son, who isn’t exactly a novice at inadvertently insulting people (because he clearly has no sensors), hurt my feelings this week. He caught a glimpse of my bare arms, which he hasn’t seen since the weather got cold, and announced, “Mom, your arms are so hairy you look like a man.” He was right; my arm hair was staring to rival my husband’s -- but still, even from a three year-old this comment made me very self-conscious. My mistake? You had better bet that the next day all of the hair on my ape-looking arms was gone. Later that night, my five year- old daughter was cuddling and petting me like she often does and said, “Mommy, what happened to your arms?” It was in this instant I had realized my mistake. I changed my appearance because of a comment someone else made about my body. Bad Mommy. Bad, Bad Mommy!

While I’m confessing, it is not the first time I have done this. My tactful second child also made a comment about my mustache a few months ago -- which I then got rid of immediately. Are we sensing a theme here? And. while giving a lesson about kindness to a bunch of kindergartners, one especially lovely child raised her hand and asked, “Why do you have a corn tooth?” I bought Crest whitening strips the next day. But the difference with this arm incident was that I got caught... and now I have to own the example I'm setting for my children.

What did I just teach my children?

I preach about self-love to my children constantly. I teach them that they are uniquely beautiful individuals in the perfect packages in which they came. I was so pissed at myself for not having enough self-love to tell my three year-old to stick it in his ear and embrace my hairy arms. I was even more disappointed that I didn’t use this very situation as a teachable moment for both my children. Did I inadvertently teach my daughter that the first time some stupid boy tells calls her “thunder thighs” that she begins to starve herself? Did I just teach my son that the first time someone makes fun of his nose that he asks for corrective surgery? What I should have said was, “You are right, mom has hair like a champ on her arms -- and I love me just the way I am!” I could have used that moment to talk about tact, accepting diversity, or how he hurt my feelings. But nope -- I was wounded and I messed up.

How To Recover From A Parenting Mistake

In all of my parenting errors, none of them were irreversible. So I chose to use my poor judgment itself as a teachable moment, and recovered just fine. So as my arm hair is beginning to grow back for good, and I am terribly itchy, I pass on to you my technique for recovering from a parenting error from one imperfect parent to the next:

Recognize that you were wrong. In the heat of the frustrated moment, or in the throes of panic, we don’t always make the best choices. If something isn’t sitting right with you after the fact, accept and own the fact that perhaps you've made a mistake.
Apologize to your children. Not only does this show respect for your child, but it teaches them the powerful tool of apologizing and taking responsibility for their actions.
Use the situation as a teachable moment. So you messed up -- now what? The only wasted mistakes are the ones you don’t learn from. Take this opportunity to talk to your child about making mistakes and that nobody is perfect. Tell your child what you wish you would have done or said. For extra impact, you can role-play it again the “right way.” Your kid will love this part!
Reflect on why you reacted this way so you can learn from the experience. Where did this reaction come from? Is there a pattern? Is there something that you need to be calmer and more centered, so that you are better equipped to respond instead of react out of emotion? The way we feel on the inside deeply affects our parenting.
Forgive yourself and move on. That’s right -- forget about it! If you even completed #1, you are self-aware and concerned about your parenting. Sometimes awareness is all it takes for change. Don't waste time beating yourself up about it and feeling guilty. You will make plenty of more mistakes, at every stage of parenting to mull over.

With you in your parenting journey!

Family, Gratitude and Guilt

2011-01-04T04:08:00.000-08:00

Post on Owning Pink

Lessons in unexpected places

We are not church going people, but we attend one time a year for the childrens’ service on Christmas Eve. It is mainly because our kids ask us to take them and we feel a sort of obligatory duty to expose them to church if they are asking. We figure they will listen to the pastor speak about love, kindness and being a part of something bigger then themselves. All good stuff. This year however, it was I who learned the greatest and most unexpected lesson.

It was 3:45 when we discovered that the service started at 4:00 and the church was 12 minutes away. Anyone who has young children knows nothing good can ever come of rushing a child. But…when you have a mom with poor time management, it happens despite the best intentions. We had the typical arguments about going to the bathroom, brushing hair and teeth, changing into the jeans without the gaping hole in the knee, and that wearing a fancy dress without tights in 20 degree weather was not an option. We managed to get to the church at 4:02 with empty bladders, tangled hair, holey jeans, bare legs and some fine fresh breath. I’m all about compromises!

As we arrived at the church, out of breath, off centered and sweating from the physical struggle of madly wrestling two young children in and out of car seats at the speed of light. I looked around the church at all the put together families. Almost all of them had on their “Sunday bests" -- the women were perfectly put together, the little girls with proper tights and hair bows, and the boys and dads with dress pants and fancy sweaters. I looked at my disheveled clan and thought to myself as I often do, “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you get your family to an event on time and looking presentable -- ever?” Is it that my children just have stronger temperaments then most, so everything becomes a battle of the wills? Is it due to my poor planning and fly by the seat of my pants attitude that seemed to work just fine for the 30 years of my life before children? I started down that familiar road of Maybe I’m just not cut out for this motherhood thing…everyone else does it better. Everyone else looks so happy, why am I so uptight right now?”

Then my self-pity and blame came to a screeching halt.

Beautiful Family

In the middle of my ridiculous thoughts, in walks a family that even now writing this post, continues to bring tears to my eyes again. I saw a mom, dad, a boy about 12 and a girl around 10. They all wore matching Christmas sweaters and Santa hats. The boy was disabled and needed both parents on each side of him to walk him down the aisle. The girl, who appeared to have Downs Syndrome, picked up his hat as it fell off his head when he awkwardly angled to sit in the pew two rows ahead of me. At first I looked away, because along with my familiar road of self-wallowing comes a lot of guilt. I was so embarrassed of my thoughts two seconds prior to seeing this family. And I’m worried about being two minutes late, a couple of knots in my kids’ hair, and some mashed potatoes on my shirt?

I couldn’t take my eyes off of them. The rest of the church was non-existent to me. I didn’t hear a single word of the minister. I couldn’t tell you what songs were sung, and I don’t even know if my own children were behaving. I was hyper-focused on this beautiful family. They sat very close together, I think partially to help the older boy sit up. The siblings were playful with each other. There was a lot of hugging, snuggling, and eye contact between all the family members. The mom and dad somehow managed to connect with each other on numerous occasions by a smile or a loving pat. They sang songs together, they smiled and they looked to be madly in love.

This mom was owning her moment. In this instant, she was owning her life, her children, her family. I do not. I often complain and wish I had easier children, that they slept better, that I had more help, and that I was more patient. I am always working to improve this perspective of my life. Here I was with my two beautiful children next to me, not appreciating them. I was watching this woman, feeling jealous of her and the way she was enjoying her family. Tears were streaming down my face and a nauseating ball of guilt was taking over my body. I felt an overwhelming need to connect with this woman. I wanted to hug her, to cry and to beg her forgiveness for having these ungrateful thoughts. I acknowledged my feelings, pulled myself together and waited for her after church. I slowly walked up to her and said, “I sat two rows behind you and just wanted to tell you that you have a beautiful family. The four of you are so full of love, and you are a wonderful mother.” A little puzzled, she smiled, and only said, “Thank you.”

The lesson

I thought about nothing other then this family the entire 12 minutes home. I am still thinking about this family. Although they had a profound emotional impact on me, I am still not sure of the lesson. Was it to be thankful for what you have? You are only dealt what you can handle? Was I bearing witness to pure love? Was it that god loves you no matter your bad breath, ripped jeans and tardiness? Was it to teach me the priority in my life? Was I shown this lesson in particular because of my own struggles to find enjoyment and confidence as a mother?

Over the years I have learned to own my less then fulfilling moments as a mother. I found freedom in admitting that I am not a natural mom, that caring for my children is not my main identity as a woman. The guilt for not being super-mom is still there, and I own that too. This is a part of who I am, and I embrace that. But why this lesson on this day? Perhaps this was not a lesson for me at all -- and this mom needed a bit of recognition or encouragement at that given time. Maybe I needed to have this experience to write this post in order to help someone else. I’m just not sure. I would like to say that I have been more tolerant of my children and myself since this lesson, but I haven’t (and yep, I'm owning that too). I do believe this was a powerful message; I'm just not sure what it was yet.

What do you think? Have you ever had trouble owning the relationship you have with your children? How does seeing other families in action affect your view of yourself and your family? Has anyone else ever experienced a profound emotional experience and wasn’t sure what to make of it? Did your resolution ever come?

Heather Sobieralski

My Mama Mojo

Life Coach for Moms

The Ugly Truth about the Elf on the Shelf

2010-12-23T17:33:00.000-08:00

Guest post on Everything Moms

If you are not familiar with the holiday tradition of the Elf on the Shelf, you will take notice now. It is a concept so simple, yet so ingenious, that you will kick yourself for not inventing it first, (just as you do every time you shell out 5 bucks for a pack of Silly Bands)! This special Elf comes with his own book describing how he is to be placed on a shelf so he can watch your behavior and report back to Santa while you sleep. You will find him again upon waking in the morning, but always in a different spot. Perhaps the most dramatic fact about this Elf is that you can NEVER, EVER touch him, or he will lose his magical power.

This Elf has been working like a charm in our house. The kids really do believe in his magic. They are listening better, are treating each other more kindly, and if they start acting up, all I have to do is point to Will, (that is what they named our Elf) and their behavior instantly changes to sugar and spice. The Elf has also inspired hours of pretend play. The kids dress up in our random Santa hats and Christmas stockings in preparation of sitting like statues in various rooms watching our behavior like little Elf accomplices.

The Elf on the Shelf has brought us great joy in the short time we have known him. But (a BIG BUT...), behind that sweet Elf smile and his cute red suit, lie some ugly truths, which I believe should be disclosed at this time. I love this Elf, I really do, but he has caused a certain level of disruption in our home. He should come with some warning, or caution labels to parents.

WARNING #1: If your children are of the high strung variety, you may want to skip past (or at least down play) the part about losing the magical powers if he is touched. If not, your 5 year old may frequently wake up in the night at 12, 2 and 4 AM from nightmares that she has touched the Elf and has ruined Christmas.
WARNING #2: If you have birthed any "early bird" children, you may want to go to bed extra early during the Elf’s holiday visiting time. If your extra spirited 3 year old child can't contain himself, he may very well go from waking at 6 AM to 5 AM just so darned excited that he must bounce out of bed and run downstairs to see where the Elf has moved during the night. He will then perhaps burst from exuberance if he doesn't scream his findings at the top of this lungs (waking up high strung child #1 just as she has drifted back to sleep from all of her traumatic Elf nightmares).
WARNING #3: If you plan to bring out the Elf in any fashion this holiday season, consider bringing him out later, rather then sooner (December 22nd for instance) Remembering to move him each night (or morning) before the early bird (see warning #2) gets up is a lot of pressure and performance anxiety for both the Elf and parent-especially if you are lacking in impulse control and he came to visit your house on November 2!

Would I use the Elf again next year or recommend the Elf for a friend? You betcha! I would however strongly suggest some story manipulation to make the Elf's visit a bit lower maintenance. If your children are already reading, I would consider bringing your Elf home without the book and make up your own Elf story to fit the unique needs of your own children (and so that mom and dad can get some sleep this holiday season)!

Happy Elf spotting!

photo from Elfontheshelf.com

Chilling Out

2010-12-10T06:43:00.000-08:00

My December blogging will be sparse...maybe even non-existent. Perhaps I will return as usual in January, but perhaps not. I am taking the season off to chill out, slow down, and create the time to enjoy my family and friends. I am going to sip hot chocolate, make snow angels, enjoy the holiday lights, cuddle with my husband and play with my kids. Coaching clients are always more then welcome, but I am taking a small break from the blog.

Stay warm, enjoy life, take extra care of you... and hug your children often!!!

Happy Holidays!!!

Don't tell dad

2010-12-01T05:01:00.000-08:00

A guest post on Owning Pink

My five year-old got off the bus visibly upset yesterday. Instead of giving me her usual run-off-the-bus-all smiles-and-giving-me-a-bear-hug, she stomped past me avoiding eye contact and headed straight for the house. When I asked her what was bothering her, she blurted out, “________ cut my hair in art class!”

Keeping my cool

I’ve braced myself for this moment -- the first time my child would tell me something shocking. I know I am suppose to keep a straight face, don’t judge, ask open-ended questions, stay calm, be caring and concerned -- but support her in solving her own problems. The dilemma was that none of this was working. She had completely shut down and refused to talk to me about it. The only information I got was that she didn’t tell anyone at school and she didn’t tell the boy to stop. Then she said something I really wasn’t expecting: “Don’t tell dad.” I knew this day would come -- when I was asked to keep a secret from my husband, like her first crush, buying her first bra, or wearing lipstick -- but I did not expected it at the age of five.

Fortunately, she has dance right after school. Most parents have luck talking to their kids while in the car, right? They aren’t distracted, and you can’t make eye contact -- this is where is where it is all supposed to all hang out, right? WRONG! I got nothing again. I let her know that I was so glad that she told me, that I loved her no matter what… but I wanted to talk about how she could have handled the situation differently (being firm with the hair cutter and telling the teacher). Nope, she wasn’t having it! I tried to address the safety issue of the scissors and that she has every right and absolutely should protect her body. All I got was, “Stop taking about it mom!” At this point I was less concerned about the hair cutting itself and more concerned at her reaction and withdrawal. This is not the child I know.

What other moms would do

My daughter’s dance class is over an hour long and when I am not feeling particularly inspired to go to the gym, I stay and talk with my friends. Today, I needed their advice (a perfect excuse not to work out). When I tell my two friends the story, one immediately blurts out, “My husband would be up at the school in a hot second.” The second one said, “This is a safety issue and it needs to be handled.” (I have great firecracker friends that always have my back!)

After their knee-jerk reaction, they deeply listened to me and realized that I had a trust issue here. I want my children to feel comfortable telling me ANYTHING. I don’t want my daughter to feel like she can’t come to me without me immediately reacting and calling the school. I want to be the “go to”, and a positive guide in the right direction, but not THE problem solver. If I felt like my child or another child was in danger, then that is very black and white. I would tell. This situation was a grey area for me -- and one that I felt was a test for the future.

I completed this conversation deciding that I would try one more time on the car ride home to encourage my daughter to tell her daddy and grant me permission to email her teacher. If she refused again, I would leave it alone. Trust trumps the need to inform in this case. My friends still disagreed with my decision, and came to their own conclusions that if this were their kid they would call the school. Being the open minded and non-judgmental gals they are, they tell me to trust my gut and that I know my kid best.

One more attempt

I decide to try one more time in the car on the way home from dance to talk to my daughter. I attempt to convince her to tell her daddy -- because he would want to know, and to grant me permission to email her teacher -- because she needs to protect the other kids. Bingo! I suppose the endorphins of exercise are a natural mood lifter. She was much more “available”, verbal and clearheaded about what we should do, and what she can do in the future if someone else is invading her body or space. I feel much better that we were able to talk, and that we have a plan. But most importantly, I kept her confidence. I bet she will come to me next time she needs to talk without the fear of me getting all hot and bothered and reacting without her consent.

I do, however, hold strong that I would have stuck with my original decision to do nothing if this is what she ultimately wanted.

What would you have done? How have you handled the balance between the desire to protect your child and the need to gain their trust?

Reclaiming Mama Mojo

2010-11-17T04:47:00.000-08:00

A guest post on the fabulous blog, Working Moms Break

Most jobs aren’t made for people who have children. Which is one of the reasons a lot of moms and dads start their own businesses. Lately several blog readers have been asking for advice or stories about this. So I asked Heather Sobieralski to write a guest post about why she decided to start her own business.

Heather has two kids, is a life coach for moms, and also works part time as a middle school counselor. You can read more about her coaching services at My Mama Mojo, or about her own journey of motherhood on her blog.

Why did you decide to start your own business?
It’s something I was called to do.
When I first became a mother, life I as knew it changed. I felt as though everything I had previously known from my pre-child self was gone. My confidence disappeared. I had no I idea who this woman was occupying my body. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I was not enjoying motherhood. I was supposed to be happy right?
Read full story>

How many activities are your children in?

2010-11-15T12:17:00.000-08:00

A guest post on Sane Moms

Do you wake up early and rush to get ready (and sometimes still leave the house with wet hair)? Do you rush the kids to get up and get going – so you can rush them through breakfast, rush them to school and rush yourself to work? Do you rush around all day at work so you can leave on time and rush home so you are not late for the bus or day care pick up? Do you rush through homework, so you can rush to after school activities, rush to come home to make dinner, cram food down your throats, rush through baths, reading and bed … to rush off to sleep so you have the energy to do it all again the next day?

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone!

Some of this is the life of a mother, but other parts can be avoided. How many activities are your children involved in? How many commitments do you have during the week? Is there anything you can start crossing off your list?

I know some children and families thrive on lots of activities and scheduled events. Most kids I know are in 2-4 activities at a time. A good friend of mine has a first grader who has something every day of the week, and is as happy as a clam. If I were her mother, I would have a nervous breakdown. I don’t like to rush. I don’t like to be over scheduled and I need family down time. My kids say they want to do it all…dance, music, art, soccer, martial arts – you name it. I have enrolled my kids in more then one activity at a time, and it didn’t work so well. They were stressed, they didn’t enjoy their time, and I felt like I was paying tuition to drag them to participate. It wasn’t fun for any of us. This year they were allowed to pick one activity. My 5-year-old daughter wanted to take dance, and my three year old chose to stay home and play with his toys-works for me!

Our mornings are still a bit frazzled, but our evenings are so much more relaxed. We have no commitments on the weekends. We don’t rush through our tasks; we take our time and connect with each other. The kids even get bored every once in a while and are forced to use their imaginations and think outside the box – instead of being entertained by outside stimuli. I don’t know how long the one activity rule will be in effect, but for now, it works. It works for them and it works for me.

Have you found your happy medium?

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Heather is a life coach for moms, a middle school counselor and a mama who is committed to rocking her mojo! She has two extremely “spirited,” independent and strong-willed children who test her, teach her and exhaust her…several times a day! You can read more about her atMy Mama Mojo.

Happiness is like a butterfly

2010-11-09T14:30:00.000-08:00

A guest post on Owning Pink

Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder... - Henry David Thoreau

The Chase

For many months I had been working every spare (and some not so spare) moments to launch a life coaching business. I had neglected spending precious time with my kids, I had completely ignored my husband and I felt obsessed. My hunger and vision for this company was dictating my life, my time and my happiness. Despite all of this time and energy, I was not getting the results I desired. I absolutely LOVED the coaching part, but I absolutely DID NOT LOVE the business part. I was stressed, unhappy and unfulfilled. I knew something had to give, but I wasn't sure how to start my new way of thinking or how to implement my new call to action...until I saw my daughter dance with a butterfly.

The Story

The story starts several months ago when I ordered my daughter a butterfly kit. In the kit came with five caterpillars in a transparent jar and a much larger enclosed net for when the caterpillars turned into butterflies. My daughter loved these little caterpillars. She took them everywhere. She talked about them to anyone who would listen and showed anyone who cared to look. The caterpillars grew three times their size, and with in ten days or so, they and turned into chrysalis. During this delicate time, my daughter was their protector, making sure nobody moved or bumped them. She was extra careful to put them in their new netting when they were ready for their new home. She watched these chrysalis all day and still talked about them incessantly. She loved these living things and took great pride in caring for them. One day we woke up and one of the butterflies had come out! For the next several days we watched the remaining butterflies fly in the netting. My daughter really launched in to care-taking mode now. She fed them oranges, watermelon and sugar water every morning. She sang to them, told them stories and would still talk to anyone who would listen about her "pets".

Then the day came to let them go. I was proud of her for understanding that the butterflies would live a happier life being free despite wanting to keep them confined for her enjoyment. With tears in her eyes, she said goodbye and let them go. For weeks afterward, she still talked about these butterflies nonstop. She wondered what they were doing. She looked for them anytime we were outside. She dreamed of seeing them again and she was quite sad before bedtime, when she thought about them the most.

Then one day she just stopped asking. I don't know why, she just turned her attention to other things.

It was weeks later and we were swimming in a pool, in a different state. This painted lady (the kind of butterfly she raised) came to play with her. The butterfly would dive into her, land on her, and fly away-as if asking to play. It did this several time in a row. It was quite a spectacle, as even strangers were getting their cameras out to capture this dance of a little girl and a butterfly. My daughter was finally at peace in her decision to let the butterflies go.

The Interpretation

I had always loved the butterfly quote by Thoreau. I even used to have it framed on my wall. It wasn't until in my own struggle at "chasing life" that I began to interpret this quote in a practical way. My happiness -- or at least my self worth -- had been wrapped up in the success of business. I had a plan for how many clients I would have by a certain timeframe, and my "happiness" was eluding me. I was so caught up in what wasn't happening that I started to doubt my ability as a coach, and even the indescribable pull that lead me to wanting to help mothers. I thought I had made a mistake.

The release

I took what I had just witnessed with my daughter and the butterfly, the Thoreau quote which I had read at least 300 times over my lifetime, and the numerous Owning Pink posts onasking the Universe for something and then just...letting go. Letting go was a foreign concept to me. I am a doer, always in action. How was I to grow a business doing nothing? Do nothing...in theory this is easy -- in reality, not so much. I even have trouble relaxing in a bathtub, let alone throwing my hands up and asking the Universe to take care of my business. In all honesty, I realized that I couldn't "DO" any more. As unnatural as it was to me, I had to practice letting go. I stopped talking about coaching to everyone I knew. I stopped obsessing about all the stuff I thought I had to do to launch a successful business. I stopped spending hours everyday on the computer networking. I reconnected with why I wanted to help mothers and why I was called to coaching. I spent time replenishing myself and my relationships. I thought about other times in my life that I felt like I was banging my head against the wall, then I looked back and I was exactly where I needed to be every step of the way. I surrendered and decided to let the Universe take over. I just let go and hoped it would happen when it was supposed to.

And then it happened, The clients came. Not only did the clients come, but the "perfect clients" came. These were the clients I visualized when I was going through my strange, surreal experience of being called to help other women in their quest to find happiness. When it finally happened, it was not forced or strained. It was not because of my networking, or marketing or obsessing. It really required no effort whatsoever. It was completely natural, because I let go, I stopped chasing, and the Universe said it was time.

What is eluding you no matter how hard you chase it? Have you ever had an experience of letting go and allowing the Universe to deliver when the time was right?

Heather Sobieralski

My Mama Mojo

Life Coach for Moms

When is the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone?

2010-11-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

A guest post on Sane Moms

I am fairly spontaneous. I like to think I am open minded enough to try almost anything given the opportunity (I just couldn’t jump out of that plane though). I may not be the one scratching the wild ideas off my list, but if someone else wants to try something new, I am a sure bet to go with them.

My husband and I were on a weekend getaway for our 10-year anniversary in Berkley Springs, West Virginia this month. After breakfast on Saturday morning, we drove to a state park for a hike. As we were looking for trail markers, we saw a sign that said, “skeet shooting”. My husband lit up and said, “Have you ever shot a gun?” I laughed out loud and said, “Me, really? When in the world would I have ever shot a gun?” Then he asks, “Would you like to shoot a gun?” My husband continues to probe about the gun shooting. He encourages me by saying, “It is really fun and should be on my bucket list.” Well sure, what the hell, let’s go shoot some guns!

Anyone who knows me is surely laughing hysterically at this point in the story. I am about as peaceful as you get. I avoid conflict; I am a strict vegetarian and take every bug I find in my house outside without harm. I have no need for guns. But I have to tell you, shooting a gun is soooo much fun! After I got the hang of loading the 20 gauge shot gun, putting it to my shoulder, removing the safety, fingers in position, situating it on my cheek and pulling, I actually had a fairly good shot. I hit 6/23 clay disks!

I walked away from this experience feeling empowered by my new skill. Not because of the obvious force of a gun, but because I had challenged myself at something so foreign and intimidating to me. Will I shoot a gun again for fun? Maybe. Will I have the moxie to try something else so far out of my comfort zone? Absolutely yes!

When is the last time you stepped out of your comfort zone?

Is there something you are itching to try, but are too intimidated?

No Really, I love Mondays!

2010-10-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

A guest post on Owning Pink

I recently came across this post on the blog, Working Moms Against Guilt, and it spoke to me. I too, look forward to Mondays. Sunday blues? Not me! I rejoice on Sunday night -- not because I am that excited to go to work, but because nothing I do during the week is ever as hard as being home with my children.

I love my children.

They are the biggest source of joy in my life and they make me feel complete. But…hands down, being a mom is the hardest thing I do, period. I love Mondays because it is a “break” for me. I get to drive to work in the car by myself. I don’t have to break up fights, reach for spilling juices or take unexpected potty breaks -- I just drive. I get to have my own identity all day as Heather, not Mom. I don’t have to count, re-direct and brace myself for every transition -- I just do it. I even eat lunch while sitting down -- tasting the food, chewing and swallowing.

I could never be a stay-at-home mom. Not because I don’t value what they do -- on the contrary, I think what they do is way too hard. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I wanted to enjoy it, but I didn’t. After my second child was born I stayed at home for almost a year -- it didn’t work so well. I was never so tired, negative, short-tempered, and frustrated in my life. I regret to say that I watched the clock most days, feeling like bedtime couldn't come soon enough. I was not fully present, because I was completely depleted. I felt like it was all I could do to maintain each day. Mothers of young children who stay at home have the most difficult job in the world. Many do it, and love it. Many do it and don’t love it. Many wish they could stay home, but can’t.

Present and balanced

After I got past the guilt, and admitted that I didn’t enjoy staying home full time with my children, I was instantly happier. I went back to work part-time. I need this balance of productivity, recognition and separate identity in my life. I am a better mom for it. Now when I am with my kids, I am attentive, patient and calm. I look forward to coming home to my kids after a day of work. They have 110% of my attention in the evening. I am excited to see Friday come so I can soak them up all weekend -- but I am always ready to see Monday come!

Are you a stay-at-home mom? Do you work from home, or do you work outside the home? How does your work-home-children arrangement feel to you? How do you view Mondays, Fridays…any days with your child?

In support of ALL MOTHERS,

Heather Sobieralski

My Mama Mojo

Life Coach for Moms

It does get easier, I promise!

2010-10-08T05:07:00.000-07:00

It does get easier, I promise!

When I gave birth to my first child, I was in complete and total shock. I knew I would be tired, I knew the demands would be intense, but I was totally unprepared as to how overwhelmed I would feel for years afterward. I didn’t think my days and nights could possibly get any more difficult… until I had my second child, and I nearly lost my mind!

My children are not quite two years apart and when you have two babies at home with zero family support in the area, the days and nights are quite long. For years I felt like I was a character in the movie, ‘Groundhog Day’, where the characters kept waking up every day to the same day…day after day, with no escape.

I would complain, I would cry, I would find strength again. My friends and family who were willing to listen to me would always tell me, “It will get easier.” At the time, I wanted to believe them, but I just couldn’t see to the other side. I thought this was something that you tell new mothers to make them feel like they can get through one more sleepless night and one more ‘perceived’ physically impossible day.

And then slowly, little by little, it did start to get easier.

I remember monumental days that we would shed another complex ritual. With each shedding, my husband and I would feel like we were one step closer to having the family we fantasized about when we took the plunge to become parents. I remember the glorious day I gave away my breast pump, tossed my breast pads and wore a regular bra again without the fear of leaking. The day we recycled all the bottles, and the day we gained the 6 feet of our house back from giving away the excersaucer, bouncy seat and swing was right up there too. The day I passed the baby isle in the grocery store and didn’t buy diapers, and the first road trip we took minus the pack-n-play, stroller, high chair and a 60 pound diaper bag for all the “just in cases” were equally as liberating. With the shed of each of these responsibilities came more freedom and enjoyment for us as individuals, and as a family.

We now travel light, all in underpants that reliably stay dry. The kids get in and out of their booster seats sometimes by themselves, I pee and shower alone almost always, and I get a good night sleep several times a week. We still can’t go out to eat without incident, I still don’t trust my younger one around my dog and yes…I still wipe butts several times a day. But little by little, we are getting there! In fact, I am enjoying my children so much these days that I just want to freeze time. I am appreciating all aspects of motherhood-the good, the bad and the ugly. I am also for the first time not just ‘getting through the day’ to make it to the next more manageable stage. I am appreciating the right now, just as they are.

I know many women greatly enjoy their child’s infancy and toddlerhood. I have many friends who grieved the many examples I celebrated. For those women, may you find new joys in your child’s new stages. But, for those who feel confined, stressed and overwhelmed as I once did, I now stand on the other side and definitively say, “It does get easier, I promise.”

What in the world is a life coach for moms?

2010-10-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

I was asked by the wonderful women of Working Moms Against Guilt to write a post about how a life coach could help working moms. Here is what I wrote for their empowering blog...

Working moms spend so much time helping others, whether it's a coworker looking for a mentor or our kid struggling with homework. What if we sought a little help to get our own lives on the right track? I asked WMAG reader and life coach Heather Sobieralski to give us an idea of what a "life coach for moms" might do for us. Here's what she shared. -- Susan

What in the world is a life coach for moms?

Imagine… once a week, for an uninterrupted hour, getting to talk on the phone about your dreams, frustrations, goals and passions. You have created a special time just for YOU: to reflect not only on what is working in your life and what is not, but to come up with a plan for how to improve it. The person on the other end is a supportive and non-judgmental woman who understands the many physical and emotional demands of the working mother.
What is life coaching?
Coaching is becoming increasingly more popular for busy moms as they attempt to navigate through their “undoable” lists of responsibilities, and are understandable coming up short on happiness. A life coach is a partner who offers support, encouragement, accountability, motivation, a mirror and lots of effective questioning to get a person moving (and keep moving) in a positive direction. The sessions, topics and goals are client driven. The coach does not give opinions, advice or believe they are the expert. Coaches value the client’s ability to come up with their own answers and action for growth.
Are life coaches trained?
A life coach can be anyone who has a passion and natural talent for helping people with no formal education, to a highly educated, credentialed and formally trained professional. Most coaches specialize in a specific area or niche (such as moms). There are wild varieties of styles and techniques between coaches and coach training schools. It is standard for life coaches to offer a complimentary or trial session to potential clients. Introductory sessions are a great way to explore different coaching personalities and to decide with whom you feel most comfortable.
How is coaching different then counseling or therapy?
Coaches work with mentally healthy and high functioning people who want to move through “normal life stuff”. Coaching is very present and future focused. It is common practice to hold coaching sessions on the phone.
Who are my typical clients?
My clients range in ages and life stages. I support first time moms who are trying to recover from the shock of motherhood, parents of young children who have neglected self-care, moms of teenagers who are finding the stress of parenthood all consuming and “empty nesters," feeling like they need to find a new life purpose. The only typical thing about my clients is that they are committed to making time to work on themselves!
What types of issues prompt people to contact me?
So many mothers get consumed with being “mom,” that they forget how to be a woman. This hyper focus results in a loss of identity and passion. I often hear my clients say that they don’t know who they are anymore, they feel like they can’t get everything done, they feel distant from their partner, they feel guilty for not being home with the kids or stressed because they aren’t working enough. They know some changes are in order, but don’t know how or where to start. Clients may also contact me because they feel like something is “missing." They are going along with their days functioning fine, but have lost their zest for life.
How do the sessions work?
All sessions are done on the phone, in the comfort of your own home, office or car (I have had clients call on their lunch break)! This flexibility allows me to support moms nationwide. Packages are offered at varying levels of frequency and price ranging from individual weekly sessions to group coaching support. All packages come with unlimited email support between sessions, pre-session reflection and a session summary. Interested in learning more? You can contact me for a 30-minute complimentary session at (301) 717-7731 or heather@mymamamojo.com

Am I a writer?

2010-09-23T03:45:00.000-07:00

Post of Owning Pink

I never liked to write.

I was never any good at it. As a child, I would put off all writing assignments to the last minute and then painful squeak out the minimum word requirement for my academic classes. This unsuccessful process usually resulted in a “c” and some kind of teacher comment about expanding my ideas. Writing continued to be an undesired experience through college and grad school. I just didn’t like it and only did it if I absolutely had to. I had an interest in going for my PhD, but the thought of writing a dissertation would make me start to sweat, my breath becoming shallow. I got a job instead.

I chose a field working with people, where rapport and listening came naturally to me. Very little writing is required as a counselor other than personal notes. I worked as a counselor for 12 years, never being asked to write anything except maybe to contribute to a school newsletter. I never thought about it, never tried it -- in fact I didn’t even like to read other peoples’ writing. I really had no interest in written words. All I needed to know was spoken.

Then I had a child.

My whole world was turned upside down. I craved conversations about the difficulties of motherhood. I tried time and time again to talk to those around me about breast feeding, how your relationship changes with your spouse, the mom wars about work, guilt, loss of passions and identity, and the general dissatisfaction with my new life. Nobody would talk to me about anything other than being tired and their babies' poop.

So, I started to read. I read blogs, I read articles, and I read books. I read everything and anything having to do with the rawness of motherhood (not the cute stuff). I read and I read and I read. I started to feel less alone. There were other mothers out there who were experiencing some darker sides of motherhood. Perhaps it was safer to speak our challenges in the written form.

I started to write.

And boy did I write. I wrote all my nasty, ugly and hateful feelings. I felt better. I started to write about my imperfect journey of becoming a mother and people wrote back with gratitude for my honesty. I started to write about questions that kept me up at night, and other moms spilled their secrets as well. I started to ask other moms tough questions, and they answered them -- for real this time.

And now, I love writing!

I still don’t think I'm any good at it (ahem, inner critic). I don't have a large impressive vocabulary. I can't string a bunch a words together in a poetic way. My spelling is atrocious and my grammatical errors are laughable. I often read other posts on Owning Pink and feel embarrassed that I am even on this stage with these talented writers. I write the only way I know how, with sincerity and heart. It soothes me. I write because it gets out all of my junk. I write because it helps other moms feel less alone. I write because if I don’t, I have a buzzing in my ear and a sense of manic urgency until I do. I write because it is cheaper than therapy.

I guess I am a writer.

What about you? Have any hidden passions taken you by surprise after a major life change?

What is the best parenting advice you ever received?

2010-09-17T05:00:00.000-07:00

Post on Sane Moms

A while back I wrote about the worst parenting advice I ever received, the unattainable “enjoy every moment”. But what about the best parenting advice you received? I was given two very practical and honest ‘words of wisdom’ that I have found myself revisiting frequently over the last five years. One is about my keeping my identity, while the other is about keeping my sanity.

Tip #1 (Keeping identity)

My mother told me before my children were born, “don’t forget that you were first a woman.” I love this piece of advice! It is a mantra I repeat almost daily, and a saying I offer to friends, clients and random women on the street if they strike up a conversation about motherhood. It isn’t motherhood that defines YOU. It is not only important for you to keep your identity as a woman, but your family benefits as well.

What example do you want to teach your children about identity, self-care and balance?
Where do you get your energy so that you may care for everyone else?
What is it that nourishes your soul?
When is the last time you had a conversation that wasn’t related to your children?
What is the last thing you did that gave you intellectual, physical, spiritual or emotional stimulation-as a women?

If you can’t answer these questions, perhaps you have forgotten who you are in addition to “mom.” I know, I know … it is easier said then done! I have been there … swallowed by motherhood and have lost myself in the process. I can also tell you during this time of lost identity, I was not patient with my children, I was not a loving partner to my husband and I was not a supportive friend. I had nothing left to give. When I learned how to put my oxygen mask on before helping everyone else … I once again became a woman (and mom) who has a zest for life … and enjoys (almost) every moment with her children!

Tip #2 (Keeping sanity)

It was also my mother who reminds me every time one of my children is going through a nasty little phase that is driving me insane-that it is just that, A PHASE! I remember my longest phase was feeling like I would never sleep again- that I would forever live through a haze of exhaustion. Now I sleep a solid 7-8 hours, and the sleepless nights are a blur. We have dealt with all the typical unpleasant phases; reflux, colic, teething, biting, crying during day care drop off, whining, potty training, night terrors, terrible 2s, sassy 3s, poking the dogs eyes (you get the picture) phase, phase, phase and phase. When you look at everything as temporary, and have ‘a this too shall pass’ attitude, it makes life with children full of humor instead of stress. Again, easier said then done! I still have to check in with my parenting frustrations. Right now, I am currently hyper-aware that I am clenching my teeth and my shoulders are up to my ears during pretty much any transition for my 3 year old (I know mom, phase)!

I find it helpful to be in touch with how I am feeling about a certain repetitive behavior. Am I having a sense of humor or lightness, or am I feeling stressed and serious? Just by being aware of my emotional reaction, I can repeat my mom’s advice, “THIS IS JUST A PHASE”, and appreciate the behavior as a typical growing pain. I can look now and see a new mom feeling so frustrated at phases that once drove me bonkers. So, throwing food off the high chair 20 times — hilarious!!! I promise, it won’t last, this too shall pass!
What about you? What is the best advice you have received? Do you have any tips to add? Can you share any parenting or personal mantras?

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The "Booger" in the middle of the night

2010-09-11T07:22:00.000-07:00

I have not gotten much sleep over the past 6 years. I have been woken up over bloody noses, peed on sheets, nightmares, snoring husbands, general insomnia, teething, illness, fire trucks, children playing with battery operated toys in the middle of the night, and little people falling out of their beds. But never (until last night) had I been woken up because of a booger.

3:00 AM -I hear her crying and yelling, "Mom...I have a booger and I can't get it out."

Me: "Just pick it and go back to sleep."

Her: " I can't it's stuck." Louder crying

Me: "Just stick you finger up there and get it."

Her: "I tried, I really can't get it." Even louder crying

Me: Stumbling out of bed and into her room to help her pick her nose. We end up in the bathroom with the bright lights. Yep, there is a big booger in there all right. I now supervise her picking attempts. No luck.

Her: More crying...

Me: "Just blow." Putting a tissue up to her nose. Not working....

Husband: Yelling from our room, "Squirt some saline up there."

Me: Squirting saline. Not working...

Her: More crying...

Me: "Let's go back to bed and breath through your mouth."

Her: "Will you lay with me?"

Me: "Sure"

After about 30 minutes, she seems to have settled into her nose whistle. I go back to my room. As I'm dosing off to sleep she yells, "I got it mom!" Then she comes to show the 1/2 inch booger that was causing her so much grief.

It is good to be mom.

I caught a a glimpse of my old self...and liked it!

2010-09-08T03:23:00.000-07:00

Post on Sane Moms

One question I love to ask other moms is, “ What do you miss most about your pre-mom self?” I recently posed this question to a Moms’ Club, and their answers varied wildly from missing their flat stomachs, feeling brain numb from dealing with small children all day — to remembering how easy it was to get in the car and do something … anything before they had children.

As for my pre-mom self … I miss sleep. I miss my alone time, I miss wandering aimlessly down each grocery store isle, I miss not caring what time it is, I miss silence, and I miss my husband. But one thing I hadn’t really thought about in a long time was how I missed my love of the outdoors. Before I had children some of my favorite moments were with nature.

I know plenty of women who take their babies camping, but it would have been disastrous with my poor sleepers. We tried a few time to hike wearing a baby backpack, but I didn’t have the most adaptable young kids. The adventures always ended early in frustration. I never really felt comfortable taking them on a kayak or a canoe because the thought of being trapped on a small boat with a fussy child was not my idea of fun. I just forgot all about these aspects of my old life, because it didn’t seem to fit into my new one.

It wasn’t until this summer with my children — now ages 5 and 3, that we started experimenting with some of our old interests and passions. In July we went camping, in August we tried kayaking on a river and in September we climbed a mountain. And you know what? The kids loved it! We all loved it! I haven’t felt more like “me” in years!

Can we go at the speed, length or even the locations we used to? Not yet, but, we can bring back the love of nature-which for years made me incredibly happy and peaceful. I can take parts of my pre-mom self and mold them into my new life with children. It is a start, and it feels wonderful!

When we become moms we don’t have to give up everything else that makes us happy. In fact, quite the opposite. Identify what it is that makes us feel charged and go do it!

Now it’s your turn … What do YOU miss most about your pre-mom self?

Is there something you can do to bring it back — even in an adapted form?

Through the eyes of a child

2010-09-06T05:10:00.000-07:00

Post on Owning Pink

One of the best parts about being a parent is getting to see the world through the eyes of a child, again. Life doesn’t get much better then abandoning all inhibitions and being a child with your child. I am my happiest when running through sprinklers with my clothes on, eating ice cream for breakfast and flying around my house in a Batman cape trying to capture The Joker. I delight in the “easy” questions about thunderstorms, bugs and eye color. I have waited years to have these engaging conversations with my children. Watching their minds process and retain information is quite enjoyable and satisfying.

But what about the tough questions?

I’m not talking about the “where do babies come from?" or “why is that woman so fat?” line of questioning. I have questions such as these covered. I am 100% comfortable talking about sex, diversity and life style. I relish in these teachable moments to talk about the facts, acceptance and a love of all people. I also find great joy in sharing my values and since my kids are so young, they blindly accept what I say as fact and move on. I know that I will soon be challenged, but I welcome the debate as well so that I can watch them interpret the world in which they live.
The questions that stump me are the questions to which I have no answers. The questions that I have stuffed down so deep that they have disappeared from my radar. These questions about loss, pain, and suffering are the ones that are causing me discomfort. Lately my daughter has been asking me really hard ones -- ones that keep me up at night. Ones that I have spend a lifetime trying to forget. The tough question variety include: “Why do some children have nothing to eat? Why did God make mean people? Why do bad things happen?” To these questions I simply say, “I don’t know.”

The challenge from the little ones…

A few weeks ago we were driving in the car and stopped for a red light. Outside my daughter’s car window was a man with a sign asking for money. This man stands in this spot often, but today was the first day my daughter showed curiosity. She asked me to read the sign and to explain why he was standing there. I did both. My children were very confused as to why I wasn’t helping this man. My three and five year old scolded me as they recited what I had told them about helping those in need, being kind and sharing what you have. I was stumped. I drove away feeling ashamed and emotional.
I recently started a new job, with a new commute. On this commute I see four or five people begging for money each morning and afternoon. They stand in the same spot, with the same signs. I am getting to know them in a way. They each have their story, and their unique styles of getting attention. Before I had this conversation with my children I would have ignored them, diverted any eye contact and prayed for the light to turn green to avoid having to think about where they sleep at night. Now, I watch for them, I am hyper aware of them. I make eye contact and say hello. Yet, I never give them money or offer to help. My kids would be disappointed.

My kids are teaching me to look again

I am more sensitive than most. Everything bothers me if I let it. I won’t even kill a bug. If I watch a Save the Child Campaign on television, it is enough to send me into a depression for a few weeks. So for me, dwelling on the devastations and injustices of the world will throw me into the corner to rock back and forth until it goes away. I have chosen not to look. I don’t watch the news anymore, I won’t engage in upsetting conversation. These things can break me. I spent a lifetime learning to filter and ignore; now I am being forced to look, listen and explain. What I really want to do is teach my children to stick their fingers in their ears, close their eyes and sing” la la la” until it goes away.
It doesn’t work like that. It is my responsibility as a parent to teach them about the beauty of life, and the ugly parts too. They need me to explain, comfort and inspire because they are experiencing it with or without me. I must look, listen and learn. I will also support their coping mechanisms whether they choose the ‘head in the sand’ approach as their mother, or become activists! So thank you to my children for teaching me to be curious again, to reach out and to love. I won’t always have the answers and I suppose I don’t have to. Sometimes saying “I don’t know” is truly all you can say.

When is it that we turn from curious and compassionate children to hardened self-preserved adults? Would the world really be a better place if we all saw it through the eyes of a child again? How do you deal with the painful parts of life to which you have no answers?

Feature photo courtesy of Flickr

What I learned from a tri-state RV trip

2010-08-25T03:58:00.000-07:00

A post on Owning pink

The Idea

My husband had an idea a few months ago…let’s go on an RV trip! I didn’t think he was serious, so I mumbled something under my breath and we didn’t mention it again. I knew his idea wasn’t going away when I saw him showing my three and five year-olds pictures of RV rentals online. “Come on, it will be fun…we can even bring our dog!” The three of them seemed so excited about the possibility, I couldn’t refuse them. I swallowed hard and gave two thumbs up.

The Planning

My husband is the events planner, social organizer and travel advisor in our home. I don’t know if he just likes these activities that much or I am just that bad at them so he has had to take over. He rented the RV online, planned each trip to the day and started making a list on what to bring. We were headed to New Jersey near Long Beach Island, then to Maryland to see the wild horses on Assateque Island, and would finish in Pennsylvania so we could take the kids to Dutch Wonderland. As the trip became more defined, I began to panic.

The Doubt

I need my space. The idea of being crammed in an RV with my husband, two small children and a 75-pound dog for seven days straight was not my idea of fun. If you have ever traveled with small children, you know how difficult it can be… especially the sleeping in strange places part. My Siberian Husky was in full fledge shed season and by the shedding pattern thus far, looked as if she could possibly go bald this month. I had been reading about the takeover of biting bugs on Assategue Island and feared we might be eaten alive. And did I mention my husband snores? Not cute little rumbles, but I’m talking freight train proportions. How were any of us going to sleep? I need sleep!!! Panic Panic Panic…Why did I agree to this???

Meeting the RV

When my husband pulled up to our house in the RV, I burst out laughing. It was a moving billboard for the company. Their logo, number and website were all over the vehicle. While loading for our trip, every neighbor on our street came out to see what this beast was all about. We met neighbors we didn’t even know existed. They all wanted to see the inside of the RV, hear about our adventure or tell a tale of their own. The energy was contagious and excitement crept in.

But as I was putting sheets on the “beds” in the RV, I pulled up the mattress to hook a corner of the sheet. I couldn’t believe my eyes! Under the mattress were about 3,000 ants and 10,000 ant eggs! There were so many it looked like a moving carpet! I froze. I didn’t know whether I was going to vomit or throw a tantrum. I was so disgusted. I called the company who told me they had not other units and they were sorry, these things happen in RVs. Why did I agree to this???

Suck it up and go

At this point my husband was getting annoyed with me. He said I was being negative and I needed to lighten up, this was supposed to be fun. Quite honestly I was annoyed with myself. What the hell had happened to me? Pre-children I would strap on a backpack, hike 15 miles and tent camp in the middle of nowhere. Why was this kind of “roughing it” making me so uncomfortable?

We took care of the ants and took off.

Lessons from an RV trip

I learned many things about myself and about RV living on this trip. So, for those of you planning a late-summer adventure or a mobile family vacation in your near future, here are some tips to help along the way:

Never take a 75-pound dog that is in shed season on an RV trip (should have trusted my instincts on that one). Especially if the dog doesn’t like moving vehicles and is prone to running away. Our stress level was through the roof trying to keep the kids from opening the door. And our dog did manage to run away once -- in the middle of a severe thunderstorm, not good!
When you go to visit friends you haven’t seen in ten years, make sure your aforementioned ill-behaved dog doesn’t kill a bird in their yard, in front of the kids.
Always check the weather forecast before inviting friends to your campsite for a cookout. The one night we had company, the sky boomed, lightening struck and the floodgates opened. In a matter of seconds our fire was out, the campsite was drenched, and we had four adults, two children and a wet dog in the RV (after my husband caught the dog).
Never open the refrigerator when the RV is moving, but if you have to (because the kids are screaming in hunger or your husband thinks it is a fun idea for you to make him a sandwich while he is driving), put on a hart had and steel tipped shoes because you will get hurt by the flying bottles and condiments.
If you feel a urinary tract infection coming on before your trip, don’t say you’re too busy to get it taken care of. Having a UTI while camping is dreadful and it's very difficult to get a prescription called in to a random pharmacy.
RV tap water is not a good substitute for saline solution, ouch! (I forgot mine.)
Always look under every mattress and cushion before pulling out of the RV lot. You never know what is lurking under there until it is too late. We found more than ants...
When you pull up to your campsite and it is located directly across the street from the dumpsite, ask for a new site no matter how tired you are from the day's adventure. Campsite dumps in 95-degree weather smell like poop.
I was amazed at how fast my underarm and leg hair grew in a week. I had no time to shave as if you took more then a 30 second shower, it would flood the RV due to a drain clog.
Beware of the green-headed flies. They are mean, they are nasty, they defy every bug repellent and will bite you 30 times in a row right through your jeans.
Become friends with the black flies because at any given time you will have about 17 of these unwanted guests in your RV. If you bring your dog against my better advice (see first bullet), this will entertain her as she will chase and try to catch them in her mouth... all night long.
Listen to yourself. I really do need a lot of space and alone time. At the end of the week I felt a little insane and very itchy (although that could have been because of my 62 bug bites).

The Best Part

After reading this, you're probably thinking there is no way in hell I would ever take an RV trip! But I have to say, I would do it again. I learned a lot about myself. I was happy to see that despite the bugs, plumbing problems, smells, lack of space, poor sleeping and general discomfort for seven days… I managed to lighten up, have a sense of humor and actually have fun! My biggest accomplishment is that I managed to disconnect from the rest of the world and be perfectly present with my family. Maintaining lightness and being fully present with my children are two of my biggest struggles. I came back from the trip with my values and priorities back in order after being off balance for months. For these reasons alone, this trip was a fantastic success!

What about you? Do you have any funny vacation memories to share? Any memories of traveling when you learned a little something about yourself?

Heather Sobieralski

My Mama Mojo

Life Coach for Moms

Really Gisele? A breast feeding law?

2010-08-19T04:32:00.000-07:00

A guest post on Owning Pink

Breast feeding is NOT always so natural

When the supermodel Gisele made a statement this summer that it should be a law for all mothers to breastfeed their babies for six months, it got me thinking about my own experience with little ones at my breasts. I had very different feeding journeys with my two children. My second child latched on immediately. He made sweet suckling noises, stared into my eyes and paused his nursing only to smile at me. It was beautiful, natural and exactly how we are brainwashed that it should be. But it is amazing that I had tried a second time at all, as trying to feed my first child was at best, mechanical. I needed eight arms, 17 contraptions, tea bags for my nipples and a big box of tissues for my tears.

Bloody and defeated before I even left the hospital

I was firm in my decision to at least try to breastfeed. I had read (just like every other anxious and overly informed first-time mother) that breast is best. So if I was going to be the best mom I could possibly be, I was going to try my hardest -- despite infections, blood, puss, and completely losing my freedom, body and confidence, damn it!

I had a hell of a time right off the bat. My baby would suck my breasts like a high powered Hoover Vac for four seconds and pull off (nipple still attached in mouth) flailing, grunting and stretching me before releasing my injured nipple to let out the most unbearable scream as if to say,”YOUR MILK SUCKS, MOMMMMMMYYYY!!!” We tried this ritual every two hours on the dot for the next two days. I had nurses, lactation consultants and friends with “breasts made for feeding” come and try to help the situation. No luck.

My baby was so hungry in the hospital that all she did was cry -- literally, that is all she did for two days. But the “good mother” that I was, I refused to give her formula or a bottle because all of my “handy books” said that bottles would result in nipple confusion -- and we both seemed confused enough, thank you very much! The nurses talked me into taping a tiny tube to my breast down to my nipple which would run formula into my baby’s mouth, as she was “breast feeding”. Um, no luck there either -- the only difference was that I got a belly button full of formula.

Before I left the hospital I was told I had “inverted nibbles, a slow let-down and a pre-mature baby who had poor sucking technique.” Good god, what do my boobs do right? The lactation consultants gave me a hand pump to stimulate “let-down” before I had even attempted to nurse. I was to wear plastic, cone shaped “nipple shields” under my bra 24 hours a day to try to pull my nibbles to task, and I was to feed this baby formula through a syringe or that small tube because after all, she was STARVING!

Looking back, it is not surprising that I cried, or that my husband frequently left the room, or that I stiffened my body and wanted to refuse my baby every time she let me know it was time to eat. My nipples were cracked, bleeding and actually had puss coming out of them. For the first 10-15 seconds of each feeding I was in excrutiating pain. I was sent on my way to somehow feed this baby alone, at home (without the assistance of eight other hands and a team of professionals).

A natural, beautiful and bonding experience? Not for me! God knows I wanted it to be, but what I was living was far from how all of my “helpful mom books” described it!

Banned from nursing

We spent one night at home with our new baby before our pediatrician told us she would have to be admitted to the hospital for severe jaundice. One of the first things the nurses told me (which to this day I don’t understand, but I was too out of it to question) was that I could no longer breastfeed. I must feed with formula because it helped the bilirubin levels pass more quickly. From this point on, I pumped breast milk with tears streaming down my face because of the physical pain and perceived “failure” as a provider.

So the pair of us never did get the whole breastfeeding thing. Whenever we tried, it would usually go a bit like this: suck suck suck, pull off, scream, breast milk squirting in the face, bigger screams, arching back, scream, put baby down (mom crying now) and pump out the milk so breasts don’t continue to squirt like wild fire hoses across the room. Sadly, by now my postpartum depression had set in (a whole other post) and I felt like I was an awful, ill-equipped and unloveable mommy. In my dark and foggy haze, the only thing I felt that I could give my baby that nobody else could was breast milk. So I continued to struggle, to beat myself up, to pump pump pump pump for TEN MONTHS! I only gave it up because I had no more milk to give.

I was recently asked, “What is one thing you would have done differently as a new mom?” I replied, “I would not have breastfed.” I wish I would have spend my time holding and cuddling my baby with a big ol’ bottle of formula, instead of holding a breast pump, obsessing about how many ounces I had, leaking through my shirt at work and feeling guilty because I sucked at this very thing I was trying so desperately to provide.

The debate: breast vs. bottle

The debate continues. This topic certainly has two very passionate schools of thought. Personally, I don’t care if you breastfeed exclusively, formula feed, suppress your milk to bottle feed, whip out your breast to feed your baby while having a conversation with my husband, or have a team of nursemaids to feed your child. I just want moms to be happy. I hope women make their feeding decisions based on what is best for them and what feels comfortable. Happy women make the best moms, so do what makes you happy! (Visit this site for more neutral information about what type of feeding is best for you and your lifestyle.)

What about you? What was your experience with breastfeeding or choosing not to? Do or did you feel this pressure to breastfeed because of societal expectations or your own need to provide the “golden serum”? What do you think of Gisele's proposed breast feeding law?

Heather Sobieralski

My Mama Mojo

Life Coach for Moms

Do you want some free coaching? Enter to win here!!!

2010-08-16T09:57:00.001-07:00

Sane Moms

Intact

2010-08-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

Guest post on The Survial Guide for Rookie Moms

When I learned I was having a boy, I got my hands on everything I could read about circumcision. Every man I knew was circumcised, everyone I knew had their boys circumcised, and never thought much about it. It was just the thing to do. I live in the United States, on the east coast and I think it is safe to say, it is unusual to leave your boys intact here.

When I started to question it, people around me thought I was odd for considering leaving my son intact. They regurgitated everything they had been told…it is cleaner, he will look like his dad, he will feel more confident, won’t get teased by the boys in the locker room and he will feel more comfortable with women when he becomes sexual. All these comments made me pause and really think about each one of them. After much pondering, and reading every medical documentation I could find, I decided that these reasons were all bullshit to me. I viewed the procedure as cruel, unnecessary, and barbaric. To me, the cutting seemed no different then painful body mutilations I read about in under-developed counties.

I started talking to my husband about my feelings. Much to my surprise, he was on board. His only concern was that our son would hate us later. We decided that if this were the case, we would cross that bridge when we came to it. It would be his decision, and an elective surgery, with an anesthetic.

I have to admit, I wavered during my pregnancy. I wavered when I thought of him being upset about not looking like anyone else he knew. I wavered every time someone gave me a disapproving look or opinion about what we decided to do. I wavered every time my husband asked if I was sure we were doing the right thing.

Despite all the indecision, I stood by my decision. I am a vegetarian, I always take on the underdog, and I save every bug in my house. I wasn’t about to consent to allow my newborn to be taken away against his will to be cut for his first cosmetic surgery at the ripe old age of 20 hours!

When an OBGYN came in to check on me a day after post-delivery she asked if I was planning on circumcising my son. Before she could persuade me, I blurted out, “We will not be circumcising our son. It is cruel and unnecessary and I will not subject him to this inhumane procedure.” She just winked at me and said, “Good girl!” “That is what I hope every mom will say, but I very seldomly hear it.” The medical community must be split on this topic too because when my child was up for his “snip time” a nurse came in to get him. When I told her we were electing not to have this procedure, I got one of those disapproving looks again, and she asked me 3x if I was sure.

My son is now 3 1/2 and I stand by my decision, and would choose to keep him intact again. However, I have always felt unsupported in my decision. My husband still has moments of regret and hopes we made the right choice for our son. I still don’t know anyone who has chosen to keep their son intact (accept other intact advocates on-line). I read that only 50% of boys in the US are circumcised, but I don’t know where they are. I have gotten my support on-line by finding other vocal parents who feel the same.

For information on leaving your boy intact…here are a few sites to get you started.

Heather Sobieralski: Life Coach for Moms

Debilitating “morning” sickness, two high risk pregnancies, 22 weeks of bed-rest, pre-term labor, nine months of colic, a house that smelled like vomit from a severe case of infant GERD, and no sleep for years= intense marital distress and a bad case of depression! This pregnant and rookie mama DID NOT GLOW! Heather Sobieralski, Life Coach for Moms, shares her stories of how it went all wrong for her…and what you can do to keep your mojo through all of it (no matter how bad it gets)!

Check out the Mama Mojo website

Follow the mama mojo blog

Where is the dial on your MOM-O-METER?

2010-08-15T12:23:00.000-07:00

Guest post on Sane Moms

Some moms seem to have this thing all figured out. They never get frazzled, their kids always behave, they are on time for every event, look put together (even at the gym), and still have time to make cute cupcakes. If these women complain at all about their children or how it has changed their life, it is done in a light-hearted manner and the tiny rant always ends with…”but isn’t it all worth it?”

Well no, sometimes it is not!

Sometimes I would like to trade them in! I rather miss my old life!

Mamas, it is OK to say this! Motherhood isn’t all sunshine and roses, and to those who claim it so, I don’t believe you.

I do believe however, that some women are naturally better at it. They are more patient, more nurturing and instinctively know what to do in any given situation. They don’t let tantrums get to them, they find humor in back talk and they function well with very little sleep. Nothing gives them greater joy then to care for their children. Their MOM-O-METERS are way high. For them, mothering is a gift and they are damn good at it!

If you are not innately any of these things, it is OK. Your meter just needs a little attention. As with anything in life we have born talents and skills and areas we strive to improve. If you haven’t mastered the art of motherhood just yet, it doesn’t mean you can’t. You just need some new tools and fresh perspectives on your role.

You may be entering uncharted territory. Perhaps you were great at the baby stage and are at a loss now when your toddler lays down in the grocery store and has an exorcist moment. Maybe your carefree, easy child just entered puberty and you have been thinking of selling him for $1.25 (or to the highest bidder).

We also have varying levels of confidence in the stages and ages of our children. For me, I think I watched the clock tick the entire time my children were babies, waiting for their first birthday. I did not like the baby stage to say the least. My husband and I viewed first birthdays as a celebration that we had made it through “baby hell!” Now my children are 3 and 5, a different kind of challenge … but one I am confident to handle.

It is OK if you are feeling vulnerable, unsure, or down right frustrated. This is the roller coaster ride of motherhood! Ditch the guilt, admit you don’t always love it or know what to do and create a plan to improve your MOM-O-METER.

With you in your “tune up,”

Heather

What Would You Rate Your Marriage?

2010-08-03T03:44:00.000-07:00

A guest post on Sane Moms

My husband recently asked me how I would rate our marriage. I didn't have to think that hard and gave it a solid "7". He agreed.

There was a time when we would have agreed on a 9 (before children) , and a time we were around a 2 (both times when our children were under 6 months old and we were walking zombies).

Currently, we are doing well, no amazing fireworks and no hostility...just riding the waves. We began to brainstorm together how we could raise our ranking up a few notches. To maintain a 10 with two small children is a bit unrealistic to me, but I could see striving for an 8 or even back up to a 9. We asked the each other how we could improve. It was easy to describe what we each needed more of. For the last 10 years the answer is always the same.

He needs more sex and I need more of an emotional connection.

For him, sex is his emotional connection. For me, I feel connected with eye contact, talking and feeling heard. I can't get in the mood if I don't feel connected, and he can't feel connected (listen to me) if he doesn't have the sex. It is a pattern. A pattern that is so difficult to jump out of, particularly because we both fall into bed completely exhausted every single night.

I am too tired for sex and he is too tired to talk. So most nights we do neither.

We know this is not an unusual pattern for a couple with two small kids. However, we fear if we continue this pattern year after year, the drifting will continue until there is a great divide. I listen to the stories of empty nesters who wake up one morning and don't even know the person with whom they're living. I don't want to be that couple. I want to be an 8 or 9...and a 10 when our kids are grown. But it takes some a lot of work to get there. Little makes me tear up faster then seeing an older couple holding hands, looking each other in the eye and still enjoying each other. I want to be that couple.

Thankfully, we are both committed to working on our relationship so we don't become merely parenting partners living in the same house. Neither of us are going anywhere. We are in this for the long hall come 1,3 or 10. But wouldn't it be so much more fulfilling if we could be more connected, have more sex and be in tune with each other despite being so damn tired???

What about you? What would you rate your relationship?

What do you need more of? Less of? What about your partner?

Let the love rock on,
Heather

Batman Is My New Best Friend! Guest post on Sane Moms

2010-07-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

Batman is my new best friend!

I don’t know who made up the term “terrible 2s”, because in my experience when they turn 3 is when the real fun begins. Not only do they have the tantrums, but they have the logic to back it up. They are stronger, more persistent and more sophisticated in their ridiculous demands.

Whenever I have to give a request or demand to my three year old, I actually have to do some mental prepping because I know there is going to be a clash of wills. It really doesn't matter what it is, just any direction at all.

Come sit down for dinner. Put your shoes on. Stop crashing your truck into the table. Stop licking the bottom of your shoe. Time to brush your teeth. You get the idea…I am not asking a lot here!

And…we are all too familiar with the over the top demands which cause prolonged meltdowns (for mom and kid)!

When their favorite cup is not clean, when the nuggets are cut the wrong way (but the way they liked it yesterday). When they decide they just can’t wear clothes anymore.

I am a very patient mother. I am quite consistent and well read on parenting techniques. I live by 1-2-3 Magic, and it usually does the trick. But sometimes, NOTHING WORKS! For me it is usually a combination of maternal fatigue, living by the clock, or just the plain old toddler “beat down” where I am just spent from the 37 random struggles on that particular day.

Batman saves the day!

Yesterday was one of those days. Nothing was working. My child was tired and irritable, I was crabby and everything was a struggle. You can imagine when my hubby came home from work and announced he was out of his medication, and he needed it refilled NOW, before the pharmacy closed. He had already promised my older child he would take her to the pool, and there was no time to do both. So, you guessed it…I had to convince the turbo toddler to somehow get in the car to go to the pharmacy to get daddy’s medicine (because of course the thought of going to the pool was just pure torture for him). Big sigh…head hanging low…no 1-2-3 magic is going to work here. He was so content to be playing with Batman on the floor.

That’s it! Batman!

Instead of telling him we had to go the pharmacy and wait through the tantrum before I actually took him out in public and was embarrassed anyway, we will go on an adventure. I pretend that I took a call from Batman who told us he that needs our help. We have to go on a superhero adventure to get daddy’s medicine filled. I have never seen my son go to the bathroom, get his shoes on and get in his car seat so fast!

Mission complete!

The rest of the night I used the same technique. Batman would call and tell us that it was time to eat dinner, brush teeth and go to bed. If this only worked for one night, so be it. I had a day off from struggles, tears, meltdowns and frustrations.

Obviously, I can’t continue this game with every direction. It is not realistic to give instruction though a fake phone and a pretend superhero. On this particular day however, it is what the both of us needed and got us through our rough patch.

Do you have any creative games you pull out on a particularly difficult day with your turbo toddler?

With you in good, bad and your ugly too,
Heather

Parenting Acknowledgment From a Stranger-Post on Owning Pink

2010-07-21T04:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my husband had a story to share

We live across the street from a pool. My husband was walking home to start dinner when he saw a mom of three young children walking home as well. The children all appeared to be under the age of 5 and the mom was having a "time of it." It was one of those moments where the kids were all demanding something and she had nothing left to give. You know the feeling -- you just want to sit down on the sidewalk with your hands over her ears, rock back and forth until your fairy god mother comes to the rescue? (Can you tell I've been there about a million times?)

The baby in the stroller was crying loudly, the toddler was screaming that he wanted pretzels and the oldest child was misbehaving. Mom had run out of hands and momentum. She was visibly stressed and overwhelmed. My husband walked by this woman and said, "Hang in there, mom." There was no exchange of eye contact or additional words. He continued walking home.

My husband put the baked potatoes in the oven and started to walk back to the pool to re-join us. On the way back he ran into this mom again. This time, the situation was much calmer. The baby had stopped crying, the toddler was happily munching on pretzels and the oldest child was engaged in a conversations with his mom. As my husband approached the woman, she smiled and said, "Hey, thanks for that."

A little acknowledgment goes a long way

Was it the recognition of a difficult situation that helped this mom regain focus and balance? Was it the encouragement to "hang in there"? Did the chaos just work itself out? Did her fairy godmother come to the rescue? We will never know. What I do know is that in this situation, I would have really appreciated similar encouragement from a stranger. During my chaotic moments I actually look for eye contact, some acknowledgement, a life preserver, but I rarely get anything positive. I have been in countless situations where I was embarrassed, out of steam, wanting to cry and no one said a word. Worse yet, I got those looks like what kind of mother are YOU or why are you letting your children behave that way?

Every parent has been there, why don't we support each other more?

I haven't always stepped up

As my husband shared this story, I reflected on situations in the past where I could have acknowledged or supported another parent. Why didn't I step up? For me, it wasn't about judgement. I never look at a parent who is struggling and wonder about them as a parent. I have sympathy, empathy and strangely enough it normalizes my less then perfect moments. It makes me feel connected to that person, yet I never say a word.

Testing out my reflection

Yesterday, at the same pool, I witnessed the newly acquired ice cream of a two year-old fall off the stick, melted from the hot sun. This child instantly started screaming at the top of her lungs. Luckily her mom caught the ice cream in her hand, so it was still edible, but the child wanted no part of the hand held ice cream and was pitching an impressive fit. Everyone at the pool ignored the situation. I watched the mom. She was starting to get flustered, the parents started to argue about how to handle the situation and the screaming escalated. Then the mom's eyes met mine. I smiled, held my hand to my head and shook my head. She smiled and I could see her body relax. The screaming continued and she ended up taking the child away from the pool. The husband later came to me and said, "I guess it isn't a good idea to get ice cream on a stick in 90 degree weather, huh?" We laughed together.

Pay it forward

I am committed to paying this acknowledgement forward. Whether it is a smile, a "hang in there" or "I've been there", I will support strangers who are visibly having a hard time. My hope is that the recipients will feel the difference and pay it forward. Maybe on some small level, even if is just at my pool across the street, parents will abandon the embarrassment, the isolation and feel a little less frazzled when they are experiencing their own personal chaos.

What about you? Is there some acceptance, recognition or acknowledgment you can give in your corner of the world?

With you in all of your embarrassing and less then "perfect" moments,

Heather

Bring Back the Fun! Post on Owning Pink

2010-07-14T05:06:00.000-07:00

Bring Back the Fun! Post on Owning Pink.

I was talking with a client earlier this week and she told me that she used to have a garden outside that made her incredibly happy. She would spend her free time tending to the garden, loving the garden, and even won awards for its striking beauty. Usually by this time of year, the garden is in full swing and she is adding the finishing touches of decorative lights so she can also enjoy its beauty at night. She shared fond memories of her family sitting on the porch together and admiring the garden while enjoying the sweet summer air, a glass of wine, and each other.

Ignoring our passions

She now looks at the garden and feels sad. She feels empty. The garden is one more thing to do, one more thing to take care of. It is full of weeds, old mulch and dried leaves. She misses her old garden and the way she felt tending to it and enjoying it… but just can’t find the energy to get it started again. My client is a mom of three teenagers (and a damn good one I may add!). It has been a long year of unforeseen complications and family crisis. She has had the wind knocked out of her, and has been challenged in ways she never thought possible. She is tired and drained and has not only ignored her garden, but herself. I ask her, ”Why is it summer and your garden has been un-touched? Have your interests and passions changed, or is that you have no passion and energy because you have given up everything that makes you happy?” This client is particularly funny, as every time I touch on something she asks me to hold on so she can get a pen and paper. She writes the question down and agrees to journal about it during the week.

So this gardening client sent me an email yesterday to share that she had tackled that garden. A task that usually takes her days to complete was done in one day. She said she was like a wild woman; pulling weeds, planning flowers and mulching. She wanted to share that she didn’t know where this energy came from… but that she felt fantastic! She was writing to me as she was sitting on her porch, enjoying her garden -- and that glass of wine!

Losing the fun

I know all about the loss of fun. When I became a mother I was consumed with being a “mom”…and that was IT. I gave up everything that made me happy. I felt like I didn’t have the time or energy to peruse anything that interested me. At the time I just felt tired, unfulfilled… like something was missing. I thought I just didn’t like being a mom. Many years later I look back, and now know that I had lost my mojo, sense of self -- and I nearly lost my mind! Not because I didn’t enjoy being a mom, but I wasn’t enjoying me. I wasn’t enjoying MY life. I wasn’t having any fun.

We cannot be caretakers and forget about our self-care. Perusing our passions and interests makes us happy, and when we are happy, we are better caretakers. Sounds simple right? It is!

In honor of my dear client, grab your pen… Think of some interests and passions you used to have. What happened to them? Is it that your interests and passions have changed, or are YOU lacking energy because you have given up everything that makes you happy? What can you bring back? Is there something new you would like to try? What is one small step you can make this week to get going in the right direction? How can you incorporate a little fun into your day? Let's bring back the fun!

Yours in adventure,

Heather

Can't I just let them fight it out?

2010-07-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

Guest post on Sane Moms

How do you handle fighting in your house?

I know all kids fight. I know we can't stop it completely. But some days I feel like I should be wearing a black and white striped outfit and a whistle around my neck. My kids are both very strong willed and spirited. My daughter is 5, extremely dramatic and wants a lot of space. My son is 3 and is unusually physically active. All he wants to do is sit on top of her. What they want from each other is so completely opposite that we can't seem to find a common ground. Some days I don't know what else to say, I sound like a broken record. I feel like I have tried it all...

Reasoning

I explain to my kids that we are a kind family. We don't hurt each other. Brothers and sisters are supposed to protect each other. They can recite how they should treat each other beautifully, but no

carry over.

Off limits

We have designated "special toys" and special areas of the house that are off limits to the other sibling. They break the rules themselves as they give each other permission to come on over or play and then fight about it.

Time outs

I tried time outs both in corners and in their seperate rooms. They don't care.

Sticker charts

We have implemented sticker charts for "getting along" where the kids can earn rewards for kind behavior. No luck!

Taking things away

We have had a "fight" bag where every time they fought they would each have to deposit a toy into the bag. They cry when it goes in, but it hasn't minimized the fighting.

Ignore it

We have done the "fight it out" method and my daughter knocked four of my son's teeth out at a 90 degree angle in a matter of 10 seconds ( I never use this method anymore).

Guilt

I tell them if they talk to other people this way they will not have any friends to play with. I also tell them how their fighting hurts their mom and dad. This doesn't work!

Books

We have read countless books on getting along and being kind. They like the books, but no cross over to real life.

Dates

We have implemented date nights where each parent will take each child on a seperate date. Everyone has fun, but as soon as they are together again...ka-pow!

I am at a loss. What else do other parents do? What secret ingredient do you have in teaching your children to get along with each other? Is this something I have to just deal with for the next 15 years???

Please do tell...

Will you be happy this year on your birthday?

2010-07-06T04:33:00.000-07:00

Find me on Owning Pink! An easy "coaching" activity, play along...

Everything I own is falling apart!

2010-07-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

We survived the RV tip (barely), but you wouldn't believe what we came home to. I am sorry if I am so slow at getting back to people, I am a bit frazzled at the moment! When I get my act together and get everything fixed, I will spill the beans about the RV adventure. I know some of you are sitting on the edge of your seats trying to decide whether to rent you Cruise America RV or not...

Here is a list of things that have broken in the last week:

1) I have a hole in my ceiling from a water leak which we found directly as we were suppose to leave on vacation.

2) My bathroom is torn up from that water leak.

3) My tree out front was struck by lighting causing a power surge. This resulted in no phone, cable or Internet for 3 days. After it was all fixed, my computer wouldn't turn on at all and I feel very lucky that it was only the power cord that needed to be replaced.

4) My dishwasher wouldn't clean and the top rack and was spitting the soap everywhere. When the man came to fix it he found small rocks which were clogging it. Ummm... I wonder who threw rocks in my dishwasher...

5) The spring on the hatch of my hot mama mini van. It may not seem like a big deal, but you try loading groceries into the car with one hand while the other is trying to prop open the 100lb door so it doesn't smash your head.

6) My washing machine smells like mold.

7) Two of my toilet paper holders are off the wall. Umm... wonder who pulled those off...

I must have pissed someone off in the universe. My luck sucks right now!

Ok, It is 3 days later and now my stereo receiver is broken and my freaking air conditioning unit is blowing hot air in the middle of an East Coast heat wave of 105 degrees. We all had to sleep on the basement floor last night to prevent baking in our sleep.

What the hell is going on here???!!!!

How do you know when your family is complete?

2010-07-02T11:28:00.000-07:00

A guest post on Sane Moms

When I was pregnant with my first child, I swore I would never have another. I held true to this statement up until my daughter was about a year old; and then I fell in love with her. My husband and I started talking about the idea of a second. Two children felt right to us. We wanted our daughter to have a sibling, we wanted the experience of creating and raising another child. We felt our family was not yet complete, so we went for it.

When I was pregnant with my second, I swore I would never have another...and this time I meant it! I called the insurance company, and when my husband got home from work one day I told him for 20 bucks, a day off of work and a bag of frozen peas, we could be sure this never happened again! My husband logically said to his very pregnant and irrational wife, "Don't you think we should wait until the baby comes?" Agreed! So three weeks after baby number two arrived, the appointment was scheduled for the old snip snip and it was a done deal.

We both knew our marriage nor our mental health could survive another child.

We have never regretted our decision.

For many women, knowing when your family is complete is not so easy. For some, it is an internal struggle about what feels right vs. what is practical. For others, they have strong feelings of having another, (or not) but their partner may have different plans.

I have several friends who are trying to figure out if their families are complete. As they are all approaching 40, they feel as though they are pressed to make a decision soon.

-My one friend has 2 girls, ages 3 and 6. She has always wanted a large family. She would keep reproducing in a second except that her oldest daughter has special needs. She is torn between being more available to her, or feeling like her family is complete. This decision is highly emotional for her. Every time she sees a baby she wants to hold, smell and feel the baby. She is such a natural mom.

-Another friend has two boys; age 3 and 5. She doesn't feel as though her family is complete either. Life is easier now and she isn't sure she wants to do the baby thing all over again. She is at a turning point in her career and can't afford to be on leave again. Her family doesn't feel complete, she has always felt and dreamt of three kids. She is torn.

-A third friend has one child who is 13 months old. She wasn't sure she wanted children at all. She thinks about having another, but when she does, she thinks in terms of what else she could possibly give up...the spare bedroom, part of the family budget and her body again. She realized recently that her family is complete, as she was focussing on what she would be losing instead of gaining.

What about you? Is there another being in the universe calling your name? How do you know when your family is complete? How do you work out a compromise if your partner has a different vision?

The Worst Parenting Advice I Ever Received

2010-06-24T05:33:00.000-07:00

Guest post on Sane Moms.

My Mama Mojo featured on Owning Pink!

2010-06-23T03:58:00.000-07:00

Enjoying Your Children (Mojo and All)